On CIO, Dell’s global head of marketing, Andy Lark, puts his foot in his mouth and keeps kicking until he’s a gummy exec with a mouth full of shards:

I couldn’t be happier that Apple has created a market and built up enthusiasm

“We didn’t have a clue how to do tablets, but we’re glad Apple’s made something we can rip off in a half-hearted and sub-optimal manner!”

but longer term, open, capable and affordable will win, not closed, high price and proprietary

“I’ve never used an iPad, nor looked at iPad price-tags and compared them to the usually more expensive competition. So now I sound like an idiot! OOPS!”

[Apple has] done a really nice job, they’ve got a great product, but the challenge they’ve got is that already Android is outpacing them.

“I read something about Android winning the smartphone battle somewhere on the internet. Smartphones are tablets, right?”

Apple is great if you’ve got a lot of money and live on an island.

“Like the island of crazy IN MY MIND!”

It’s not so great if you have to exist in a diverse, open, connected enterprise; simple things become quite complex.

“Dell, as you know, is great at making simple things quite complex! … What? What do you mean I wasn’t supposed to say that?”

We’ve taken a very considered approach to tablets, given that the vast majority of our business isn’t in the consumer space

“I hate Steve Jobs. I kick iMacs to death for fun. Also, I have no idea how to win over consumers.”

[A company] like Samsung has to aggressively go after their business, but we’ve got a far more diversified footprint than some of these players.

“We have no idea how to focus. In fact, we have no idea what we’re doing regarding tablets.”

An iPad with a keyboard, a mouse and a case [means] you’ll be at $1500 or $1600

“Especially if the case is made from solid gold and tiger fur, but then I’ve been reliably informed that’s the case for all Apple cases. And, no, I’m not going to explain my reasoning in saying you’d need to buy a mouse for a touchscreen tablet, nor how the hell I managed to get to $1600 when the most expensive iPad 2 is $829. Look, just leave me alone!”

Our strategy is multi-OS. We will do Windows 7 coupled with Android Honeycomb, and we’re really excited. We think that giving people that choice is very important.

“We think we can mate a turtle and a monkey and get a unicorn.”