World-leading PC manufacturer Lenovo has done it again, announcing the ultrathin ThinkPad X1, a hugely innovative laptop that looks like nothing you’ve ever seen before.

OK, so it might look a smidge like the MacBook Air, but here’s why Lenovo’s laptop will grind Apple’s into the dirt:

  • Nipple: Everyone likes a nipple, and this laptop still has one wedged into its keyboard. Apple seems to think that multitouch trackpads are the way forward, but the nipple will eventually win the day.
  • Stickers: The MacBook Air is extremely boring when you open it up—the entire thing’s just grey. Yawn. By contrast, the ThinkPad X1 has lots of exciting stickers on it; even better, these tell you what companies have supplied parts for your computer, enabling you to show off to your friend.
  • Heft: The ThinkPad X1 is about 50 per cent heavier than the MacBook Air, meaning it’s far more satisfying to carry. You really know you’ve spent money on something when it’s in a bag and tugging at your shoulder. (Even better, 1.7kg is only the starting weight—you can actually make it heavier. I’m hoping for a special edition with a brick glued to the lid.)
  • Battery: Lenovo reckons the battery should last up to five hours, compared to seven in the MacBook Air—a big benefit, because everyone works too much these days. The X1 makes sure you won’t, especially if your forget your charger.
  • Windows: It’s got Windows inside! Everyone loves Windows.
  • Poor screen contrast: Great reproduction of photos drops your productivity. By making on-screen graphics less exciting, you will do more work. Unless your battery runs out first, obv.
  • Black: Black is the new black, and the black shell doesn’t at all make the X1 look like it’s the result of a torrid affair between a MacBook Air and a clunky 1990s Windows laptop.
  • Specs: The X1 has more bullet-points than the MacBook Air, referring to extra ports and ‘stuff’ that is a surefire way to draw in typical users. They love lists of numbers.
  • Storage: The SSD will be optional, rather than standard and enforced across the line. Futuristic technology is scary.

Run for the hills, Apple! I think I’m not alone in saying that Lenovo’s got you beaten here, and that within four days at most of the X1 being on sale, you’ll be down to third in terms of market-cap, because Lenovo will blitz past even Exxon, leaving you in its wake.