We’re one week into January, and already there’s a battle on for the most stupid Apple article in tech. This doesn’t bode well for the industry as a whole. At this rate, by March we’ll see ‘analysts’ arguing Tim Cook should become an actual cook, and that Jony Ive should turn every Apple device into a dodecahedron, just because.

I earlier today talked about a slice of Forbes stupid, but the ever reliable International Business Times has also been on hand with CES 2013: 6 Gadgets to Expect from Apple. Before we begin, it’s important to note that Apple does not attend CES. The last time it did so, over 20 years ago, John Sculley was CEO and Apple was pimping the Newton.

So, Vittorio Hernandez, what can we ‘expect’ from Apple. And by ‘we’, I mean ‘you’, after presumably taking in too much ‘candy’?

The Apple TV

Oh, here we go. If I was going to lazily bang out a list of upcoming Apple kit without even bothering to think about it, I guess the mythical Apple TV would be number one. Still, Hernandez takes it a step further than most, in providing the following information about the new device that Apple won’t in fact be displaying (because, remember, Apple won’t be at CES) and that doesn’t actually exist outside the minds of fevered tech hacks:

The next Apple TV that will appear in the upcoming CES 2013 event was predicted last year and it quotes “thinking differently.”

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Gah.

Anyway, number two:

Mac Pro

This one’s at least somewhat sane, but the chances of Apple announcing a new Mac Pro at CES are zero, largely due to Apple not attending CES. Even if Apple happened to be there, CES probably wouldn’t be the place the new hardware would be announced anyway. Still, Hernandez is on hand to talk about one of the new features of the Mac Pro hardware:

The next generation of Mac Pro […] is expected to have several outstanding improvements including the revolutionary video editing app – Final Cut Pro X.

Apple’s new hardware will feature… new software? Sigh.

If you’ve not yet lost the will to live, number 3 is:

iPad Mini: Finally, after comments and disappointments by many Apple users, the iPad Mini will have another version and this time, it comes with a Retina Display.

That’s right. Apple, having released the iPad mini in November, which is selling very nicely, will at CES, which it isn’t attending, ditch it in favour of an updated model. I imagine Hernandez has here taken Apple’s marketing spin about iPads being magical as a literal thing—after all, with today’s tech, there’s no way in hell the company would get a Retina display into the iPad mini and retain its light weight and thin form factor. Still, it’s not like reality is something Hernandez cares about, as evidenced by item four:

iPhone with Two Sizes

Unlike the existing iPhones that are for sale, in, um, two sizes.

Clearly on a roll and somewhat infatuated by the appeal of high-res displays, Hernandez then offers item five as ‘Retina display’, although mangles the sentence to the level I imagine all the sub editors had died from a combination of shame, despair and madness by this point:

Retina Display: iPad mini will finally have it but larger devices like iMac is not having any treats for this feature due to high cost. However, Macbook Air is going to have a retina display coming soon.

So the iMac “is not having any treats for this feature due to high cost”, but the MacBook Air (sorry, Macbook Air [sic]) is? Uh-huh.

And if those five weren’t enough to make you just give up on tech reporting and spend 2013 reading about kittens, number six delivers a knock-out blow:

New Camera Technology: The next generation of iPhone camera will come with a pre-installed database and new recognition software for recognizing paintings, landmarks, and famous people. This is a welcoming part for aspiring paparazzi.

Yay! New tech for creepy stalkers! I’m sure that’s going to get Cook to change his mind about CES and zoom over to get a stand right now. And never mind that Hernandez is talking about software, not hardware at this point, despite specifically mentioning the ‘iPhone camera’.

*Googles ‘articles about kittens’*