My computer went a bit nuts earlier today, and I thought it was Time Machine going screwy. But it turns out my entire Mac briefly turned into a time machine, enabling me to log on to the web and access a news piece about Apple’s Q1—from 2014, next year. It makes for interesting reading…

 

Apple today announced its financial results for its fiscal 2014 first quarter ended December 28, 2013. The company generated record quarterly revenue of $63.2bn for the period ending 28 December, its highest figure to date, and a marked increase on the $54.5bn generated during the same quarter the previous year.

Apple enjoyed profits of $16.4bn, another record, although this was countered by the company’s average selling prices continuing to fall, and Tim Cook finally losing it and ordering “all the analysts to be shot or maimed in some horrible manner” shortly after the call.

For those paying attention to the figures, there was plenty of good news. iPhone sales rose from 47.8m to 62.2m, largely due to the phenomenally popular iPhone 6, although this fell dramatically short of analysts’ average prediction of 427 billion iPhones sold. iPad sales also rose, from 22.9m units to 36.1m units, spurred on by an across-the-line revamp that saw the iPad mini get a Retina screen and the iPad shed almost half its weight. However, in the wake of Samsung’s recent release of 700 new tablets, covering every possible screen size between one-inch and seventeen feet, Apple’s product line is, according to analysts, looking “very tired”. Additionally, there was disappointment that Apple’s average selling price for the iPad was well done on Q1 2013. “Apple’s just not making enough profit. It’s also pretty clear Apple doesn’t know how to compete—at the very least, Apple should be knocking iPad prices down by 97 per cent across the line,” said Alan Lyst, CEO of Bullish Wealth Management, without a hint of irony, reportedly prompting Cook’s call for the eradication of analysts.

Mostly, though, analysts, pundits and the market alike were spooked by the bad news, which one noted “rolled off of Tim Cook’s tongue a little like rancid butter off of a rusty knife”. Mac sales remained flat, with Apple only managing to sell 4.2m units, and iPod sales continued to fall, with only a single iPod being sold somewhere in Wales. The Apple TV refresh also disappointed the entire world, including members of undiscovered tribes in the rainforest, with the new $99 unit merely doubling in power, adding approximately 300 content partners, and providing the means to install apps, rather than being a massive new standalone television unit. “I’m totally bummed,” said Lyst. “I was hoping to spend all my money on a new TV, but all Apple did was iterate on an existing device. Steve Jobs would never have allowed that.”

Wall Street was unimpressed with the numbers, despite Tim Cook noting Apple had $137 billion in cash reserves, which it was planning to spend on buying “California”. In after-hours trading, AAPL fell to $152.11 per share, and analysts argued Apple was “done” and “doomed” and “failing to innovate”. They argued the company should “be more like Samsung, Microsoft, Google and Amazon,” especially noting Amazon’s “exciting manner of not actually making a profit, which shows they are doing something, rather than rolling around naked on $50 bills all day, which is how we imagine executive meetings at Apple to be”.

In a rare move for Apple, Cook within hours announced and broadcast an impromptu web keynote, unveiling a new product. “You want something new, eh?” snarled Cook, his lip visibly quivering. “Today I’m proud to unleash iNinja, a chip that can be implanted into anyone’s brain, turning them into crack assassins. We’ve already secretly placed these chips inside every Apple Store employee,” he added with a cackle and a “mwahaha”. Analysts were excited to hear Apple had “started innovating again”, shortly before deranged Apple employees in blue T-shirts kicked their faces off.