A brief guide to everything that’s annoying about the Guardian’s brief guide to everything that’s annoying about Apple
The gloves are off! Apple is doomed again! And with it, we get tech writers giving the company a right hook with a boxing glove of stupid, but cunningly following up with an occasional uppercut of truth, because balance. The Guardian’s A brief guide to everything that’s annoying about Apple is an excellent case in point, offering 26 examples of how bloody annoying Apple is! And if you’re thinking 26 examples doesn’t make for a brief guide, I’ve news for you: despite the title, this post probably won’t be brief either.
1 The passwords
Yes, the Guardian leads with passwords being the big evil. Clearly, Apple is the only company to have you sign into things. No other companies do this. SO ANNOYING. Well, apart from Apple making things easier with Touch ID, and the security that comes from passwords. BUT WE SHALL IGNORE SUCH TRIFLING THINGS. ONWARDS!
2 The product launches
Half a point here, Guardian, if only because Apple last year slipped into dad joke city and events that lasted approximately eleven days. But the most recent one, where Tim Cook mostly talked about health, privacy and the environment? That’s only annoying if you’re a tech journo on a deadline rather than an actual human.
3 The endless hardware upgrades
If Apple didn’t upgrade its hardware often, number 3 in this list would have been ‘the lack of hardware upgrades’. Plus, again, isn’t it SO ANNOYING that Apple is the only company that endlessly upgrades hardware and obsoletes certain connectors? No other companies in the history of history have ever done that. BAD APPLE.
4 The Green Eggs and Ham approach to software updates
Install now? Turn on automatic software updates? Remind me later? Try in an hour? Try tonight? Would you update them in a box? Would you update them with a fox? You do not like software updates, so you say? Try them, try them and you may!
CHOICES ARE BAD.
5 The U2 album
I’m not going to argue over this one. Mind you, nor did Apple when it specifically created a ‘wipe U2 from the face of your iTunes’ tool.
6 The price
BLAH BLAH APPLE IS EXPENSIVE BLAH. The Guardian writer notes that in the UK you can “buy a basic mobile phone for as little as £10”, because that’s totally like an iPhone. (And if Tim Cook went crazy and decided the iPhone 7 would sell for a tenner, you can bet people would still find something to whine about.)
7 They’re too cool for tills
Agreed. This actually is annoying. Guardian hit rate: now two and a half out of seven. Almost as good as Apple rumour websites.
8 The ubiquitous ringtone
Because you can’t change ringtones. (Also: not as bad as that sodding Nokia one.)
9 iPhone repairs
No matter what’s wrong with your iPhone, or how tiny, it costs at least £200 to fix. Dodgy home button? £200. Won’t restart? £200. Cracked screen? A bargain at £100.
Guardian breaks the laws of maths as ‘a bargain at £100’ equates to ‘at least £200’. Did anyone even read this back before it was published?
10 The rip-off accessories
Need a new power adapter because that magnetic bit on the end broke when it got bent back too much? How much, Apple Store? £65! Plain black phone bumper that you could get down the market for a fiver? £25!
Another Billy Half a Point! Apple does sometimes take the piss here, but the bumper whinge? Just no. If you don’t like the bumper, it’s not like it’s mandatory. Unless Tim Cook passed some kind of new law while I wasn’t watching.
11 The constant iTunes revamping
SO CLOSE! The revamping isn’t the problem. The fact it’s still bloody awful is the problem.
12 The utopian demos
This is true. Apple should in future have demo videos that feature people looking miserable on a grey, rainy pebble beach while a seagull poos on their head and steals their chips. People can aspire to that.
13 The Apple Watch
It sucks and Apple won’t admit it.
“It’s so annoying when I have an opinion about something and the company that made it doesn’t publicly agree, even though doing so would be unbelievably stupid.”
14 Apple TV
“The future of television?” Also known as “Another expensive box that does nothing all your other expensive boxes can’t do already, but has an Apple logo on it.”
Hmm. I have to agree with this one, on the basis that the ‘future of television’ argument was bone-headed. But the Apple TV itself is really good. So there.
15 Mac lag
Our old MacBook takes longer to wake up every morning than we do.
Either Guardian writers spring out of bed in an instant, someone’s telling porkies, or there’s a MacBook in some serious need of help. Poor MacBook.
16 It is more controlling than Prince was
We know we’ve paid for the entire Prince back catalogue at some stage, but iTunes won’t let us listen to it without negotiating an assault course of synching protocols, passwords, user settings, menus, helpdesk chatbots and, finally, Googled explainers.
Or, if you’re already signed into your Apple account, clicking on some cover art. Exaggeration. So annoying! Perhaps that’s number 17 in the list!
17 Wet fingers
Oh. Wait, what?
17 Wet fingers
Apple has wet fingers? That’s annoying? Also, what?
Having to wait for 20 minutes after coming out of the shower before our iPhone fingerprint scanner recognises us. Like the clean you isn’t the real you.
Which suggests either Guardian writers set up Touch ID when covered in grime (and/or are usually covered in grime), or they spend so long in the shower that they emerge wrinkled to the point even the dogs on this article would recoil in horror, barking “TOO WRINKLY! SEND HELP!”
18 They have turned into The Man
Apparently, Apple is now Big Brother, while trying to fight the US government over privacy. Got it.
19 Their hatred of ports
The Guardian, presumably also still angry Apple dropped the floppy drive from the iMac. Although the reasoning on this one is weirder than you might imagine. If you were expecting a perfectly rational and sensible argument about the new MacBook only having one USB-C port, well…
Apple’s eradication of USB ports from iPads just rendered all your accessories obsolete
That’s right: Apple’s giant iPhone doesn’t have USB ports, and that is the source of annoyance. (The USB dongle is, naturally, waved away as a money waster.)
Just like their sealing up of the DVD/CD slot rendered your collections of both obsolete
What, on the Mac?
It is now easier to hack the US defence system than get a DVD on to an iPad.
Oh, on the iPad. Right. I can count the times I’ve wanted to play a DVD on my iPad on the invisible finger I’m not holding up right now.
20 The ‘Smart Battery Case’
Apple selling people a battery case to make their iPhone battery last longer. SO ANNOYING.
21 Their format dictatorship
This is true. Apple has a dictatorship based on formats! Annoying! Wait, what?
You take a picture with your iPhone. You import it to iPhotos.
‘iPhotos’. Do you mean ‘iPhoto’, now cancelled? OK, that’s being picky. Let’s not quibble about details!
Now you try to attach it to an email. Ha! You can’t!
Actually, no, let’s quibble about details. Ever heard of drag and drop?
The only way to do it easily is through Apple’s own Mail application, otherwise known as BlackMail.
Ah, I see. “I use Gmail in a browser, and can’t drop photos on to it from Photos.” Actually, that is quite annoying. Hard to know who’s to blame for that one. Still, half a point!
22 Their wealth
Apple makes money and is profitable. So, so, so very annoying.
23 Their contempt for humanity
Bill Gates uses his fortune to cure malaria, Apple uses its fortune to … make bigger fortunes.
This is true. Apple does literally nothing to help the world.
24 Error 53
How many corporations possess and wield the power to criminally damage their products – your products – after they’ve sold them to you? Apple’s notorious “Error 53” punished users for the offence of going to “unauthorised” repairers by effectively shutting down their iPhone 6 handsets – a practice known as “bricking”. When a class-action lawsuit threatened, Apple got scared and backed down – a practice known as “bricking it”.
You appear to have mis-spelled ‘messed up’ as ‘got scared’, but, well, we’re 24 items in now and there was probably a word count to hit, a train to catch, and your fingers were getting awfully tired.
25 They’ve taken over the music industry
As evidenced by the lack of competition from the likes of Spotify and Google Play.
iTunes paved the way for the low-priced digital music revolution, where artists get a minuscule share of the profits and Apple gets a much larger cut. It wiped out high-street record shops, crippled the music industry, then extracted a ransom from artists to put their music in its virtual shop window.
Fortunately, before Apple came along, the music industry was doing brilliantly, due to people downloading music for free on Napster.
26 Their business model is The Circle
Dave Eggers’ dystopian novel details a utopian-sounding tech corporation whose ambitions extend to every aspect of people’s lives, anticipating, fulfilling and creating their every desire, to the extent that people never need to step outside the closed loop of control. Then find they can’t even if they want to. Apple has done its best to dispel such comparisons by building a massive new headquarters – in the shape of a circle.
That is perhaps the most annoying thing I’ve read this month, although not because of Apple.