The quote of the day that forms the title of this post comes from MacRumors, as part of its link-bait iPhone 4 Drop Test with Bumper Case Shows Little Protection. Reporting on iFixyouri’s iPhone-with-Bumper drop test, the site notes: “The iPhone 4 with bumper lasted only 3 drops before the front glass cracked. This was the same number of drops that it took to break an unprotected iPhone 4.”
Oh noes! Apple is clearly evil for pushing those bumpers on everyone! BUT WAIT! It turns out that “the iPhone 4 hit the concrete face down for the last fall, so how it falls likely affects the chances of the glass breaking“. Wow, a serious revelation there, folks!
In other LATE-BREAKING NEWS, MacRumors will almost certainly soon reveal that if you repeatedly smash your brand-new MacBook Pro with a hammer, it will get damaged more easily than if you repeatedly beat it with the very feathery bit of a feather duster. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Following Warner Music’s announcement that it is to stop licensing its songs to free online music streaming services, stating that such things are “clearly not positive for the industry”, the record label is to also stop releasing music digitally and on CD. From tomorrow, all new Warner output will be exclusively on vinyl, with the average album costing around $50 (£32).
“Digital music and CDs are too easy to pirate,” said a Warner spokesperson. “Filthy f——ing pirate scum copying Warner albums results less income for our executives… uh, I mean artists, and so we’ve taken this step to ensure we… uh, I mean our artists get more income and can continue making wonderful music.” On the decision to go vinyl, the spokesperson remarked that “no modern PC has a vinyl slot” and that the company would soon release the iVinylPod, a device enabling you to play your Warner albums on the go. “The iVinylPod is slightly larger than the average mobile music player,” confirmed the spokesperson, adding: “But we think the music-buying public will happily forego a little convenience when they know record label executives are making money hand over fist. Uh, I mean when they know artists are getting more income from their wonderful music.”
Warner refused to comment on leaked information that its vinyl albums will also be removed from sale this summer, replaced by iWarner. According to documentation now circling the internet, the iWarner service removes media from the equation entirely. Instead, your selected artist comes to your house and plays their latest album live in your front room. To remove the threat of piracy, Warner detonates a small electromagnetic pulse bomb to destroy all recording equipment in your neighbourhood, and the suggested price per album of $1 million is, according to marketing blurb, countered by the “wonderful immersive experience that only iWarner can bring”.
Answer: unrealistic expectations followed by inevitable disappointment.
In the meantime, feel free to re-read How to update your online store, the Apple way.
