The context of the piece was that, at the time, anything Apple did got slammed by lazy journalists, so I thought it would be fun to satirise this. Unfortunately, a rather large group of Mac users didn’t really understand the concept of satire.

While I’m well aware that Mac users can be sensitive, even I wasn’t expecting the deluge of email I got, including the prize gem “you are a biased computer nerd who cannot accept that most people don’t give a s—— about all the lame insider c—— that you talked about when you reviewed the imac [sic]” and helpfully finishing off with the wonderfully friendly line “you are an idiot and it makes me laugh”.

So, here’s the original article in all its glory—see if you can spot other things I got flamed for. This time, of course, no-one has any excuse for missing that this is satire, although I’ll bet I get at least one angry message from a militant Mac user who reads half the title and furiously fires off an email to me via their new USB-port-challenged MacBook Air.

A totally informed and unbiased account from our leading technical expert, Phil Clive Lover. ©ZealotDumbassNet.com

I watched the MacExpo webcast (and even bore the sickening player that is QuickTime—why Apple can’t use the excellent Windows Media Player like the rest of us is beyond me). I saw Steve Jobs strut around the stage like an over-excited chicken in his ‘oh so cool’ black sweater that made me want to vomit—twice. But then I cheered up, because he announced the ‘new iMac’ and I saw that Apple—so long a thorn in the side of proper PC users everywhere—is finally doomed.

Since then, I’ve been forced to research the new machine further—and even use one—for this article, in order to give our readers the chance to know why they should avoid it like the plague. To be quite frank, the new iMac totally sucks. Aside from confusing potential buyers by dropping the old design (which in itself didn’t look enough like a PC for most people’s tastes anyway) it has a whole bunch of ‘features’ that pretty much guarantee its failure and the long-awaited downfall of Apple.

Expansion

The iMac has hardly any standard PC ports. It has USB and something called Firewire, but there’s no way I can plug in my parallel printer. There are also no PCI slots, so how am I expected to use my IEEE 1394 card? Apple has screwed up here—big-time.

Plug and play

Many peripherals work right out of the box, without even needing to install drivers. 99% of the satisfaction of owning a PC comes from getting stuff working after hours of frustration. Are you listening, Apple? You’re taking all the fun away from my PC experience!

Ease of use

Not content with stealing all my fun, Apple also seems to be trying to steal my friends. Due to its so-called ‘ease of use’—both with software and hardware—the iMac puts geeks like me out in the cold. My friends won’t need me if my geeky knowledge becomes superfluous.

There’s hardly any software for iMacs

Okay, so this point is contentious, as there are is some software available for the Mac. However, go into most high-street shops and you’ll find most of those really great and cheap apps we all love simply aren’t available for the Mac, which brings me to my next point…

The iMac doesn’t run Windows

This is really important. Imagine not being able to send emails to your friends, access the web, or even read Word documents. That’s the future in store for you if you buy an iMac, because Apple makes a cheap imitation of Windows called Aqua, which doesn’t run PC software. There is an application called VirtualPC, which supposedly emulates Windows on the Mac, but having seen someone set this up in less than half an hour (anyone in the know realises it takes at least half a day to set up a real PC), I am certain that it isn’t a faithful copy of the real thing and should be avoided at all costs.

The iMac looks stupid

I want a PC that looks like a PC. The iMac looks like a desk lamp, and it’s white. What sort of colour is that for a PC? That stupid flat-screen and small base also means it takes up very little space, which hardly looks impressive if you invite all your friends round to view your state-of-the-art system.

I could go on, but what’s the point? Any serious PC user even contemplating getting one of these iMacs needs their head examined, while the home user should be warned about the isolation they will suffer if they buy one.

It’s all very well to ‘think different’ but Apple really needs to think the same. Having a machine that can’t run Windows, take my PCI cards, or run all but a few pieces of software is commercial suicide. If you don’t buy one then the harsh reality of bankruptcy will come all the more quickly for Apple and we can all sleep more soundly at night.

Hello! Revert to Saved is back! Although some of you might remember the name from a column that was attached to some online Mac magazine whose name now eludes me, or as a standalone website that largely made fun of Apple, the new Revert to Saved will be far more wide-ranging. My aim is to use it to support the various publications I write for, and more besides. Therefore, over the coming weeks and months, you can expect succinct articles on gaming (including retro gaming), technology, music, and anything else that takes my fancy. I’ll also likely delve into the RTS archives and reprint some old stuff, along with putting online some transcripts of interviews I’ve done with various famous people, parts of which have been used in articles I’ve written (parts of the interviews, that is, not chunks of the people).