Hi, tech hacks!

I know you probably just sat through the WWDC 2013 keynote crying your eyes out at the lack of a new iPad mini with Retina display or an iPhone 6, despite the fact Apple was never going to announce one today. Because you’re now barely able to see your monitor through the tears, I thought I’d help you out. Feel free to copy and paste the following and delete as applicable:

Tim Cook and his fellow Apple executives today proved once again that Apple is doomed without its enigmatic founder Steve Jobs. Although the company showcased iOS 7 and a new version of OS X, there was a distinct lack of innovation. iOS 7 has ‘new’ features and interface elements that already entirely existed in [Windows Phone/Android/BlackBerry/your deranged mind] and is a huge disappointment. The new OS X, ‘Mavericks’ has nothing on [Windows 8/obscure flavour of Linux/a C64 you found in your attic], and it’s hard to see why it was delayed [arbitrary number pulled out of someone’s arse] months.

In terms of hardware, Apple revealed a new Mac Pro, a new Airport Extreme, and a revamped MacBook Air, but the lack of a new iPhone or iPad reeked of desperation. Additionally, while when Steve Jobs was alive, you could expect to see [1/2/5/3 billion] entirely new pieces of hardware revealed at WWDC, today’s Apple didn’t even preview the [Apple television/iWatch/Apple phablet/cheaper iPhone/some other device Gene Munster made up while drunk in a bar and trying to look big].

It’s time for new leadership at Apple. Tim Cook cannot deliver. [Android/Microsoft/BlackBerry/Amstrad] is winning, and there’s nothing Apple can do about it.