This entirely scientific post is inspired by recent App Store reviews I’ve seen, summing up how people respond to mobile games.

Free game with IAP: This is a total rip-off! I hate the developer! It’s totally unfair that they want to make money from this game that I’ve nonetheless played for hours on my shiny, expensive iPhone!

Paid-for game with IAP: This is a total rip-off on top of a rip-off! I will ignore the many hours of fun that the game gave me, and wish the developer accidentally falls down a canyon for having the sheer audacity to provide the means to pay for extra content and/or a means to progress more rapidly through the game.

A game with no IAP but in-app currency: This is a total rip-off, because I don’t understand what ‘in-app purchase’ actually means! Also, I’m really annoyed that I can’t just buy loads of extra currency to speed through the game, although I hate in-app purchases. Therefore, this developer’s supposed generosity has also denied me the opportunity to complain about IAP and also made me look stupid in an App Store review! I hope they get kidnapped by a giant eagle and dropped in the ocean, so they’re torn to pieces by sharks who also hate IAP!

A game with no IAP but generous in-app currency that enables rapid progression: I finished this game too quickly. This is a total rip-off!

A totally free game with no IAP and generous in-app currency that enables rapid progression, but that also, miraculously, lasts for ages, through new level packs being issued almost daily: Man, this game’s getting boring now. Why hasn’t the developer done something new, the lazy git?