As the iPad 3 gears up to smash the industry in the face, the internet is being pelted by articles that say—shock!—the iPad 3 is doomed! It’s rubbish! Its competition is about to nonchalantly zoom past, leaving Apple once again like it was back in the days when it didn’t have a clue.

This is all true. Especially if you ignore the fact that today’s Apple has a clue. And that the iPad has sold more rapidly than anything else Apple has ever released. And the fact competing tablets are selling poorly, bar the Kindle Fire, which is only currently available in the USA. And that everyone and his dog is writing an ‘iPad is actually rubbish’ article, because, clearly, there’s lots of interest about the iPad. BUT LET’S IGNORE ALL THESE THINGS, BECAUSE!

First up today with a slice of crazy: come on down, Eric Zeman for Information Week, with What iPad 3 Really Needs: Revised OS.

Apple’s iOS is starting to get a little long in the tooth. There, I said it. The overall look and feel of the operating system has not changed since its 2007 debut.

Users and developers love it when operating systems change in terms of look and feel all the time. They think it’s just great. And I agree with Zeman: now literally millions of people are familiar with and enjoy using iOS, it’s the perfect time to RAKE IN THE FACE! But, tell us, Zeman, what specifically should Apple do?

What would I like Apple to change? Well, I’m no design guru, but I am sure Apple has enough creative juices to turn out a more visually appealing operating system.

“Make the logo bigger!”

 I’d like to see a sharper-looking operating system, with fewer curves and more corners. Not Windows 8-style corners and blocks, but something that has cleaner lines to it.

“Make it squarer, but not too square! Make the colours more—I don’t know—voguish.” (Every designer, everywhere: HEADDESK!)

The operating system could use some more features, but that will always be true of any platform. Things that iOS lacks that other platforms capitalize on? Widgets, the ability to control files/folders […]

Now that Microsoft has aligned the look of its PC, tablet, and smartphone platforms, it would behoove Apple to do the same.

“Hello? Doc Brown? I’m stuck in 2007, before the iPhone and iPad, when everyone thought an OS X tablet was the best idea ever! I can’t get out, and the DeLorean’s broken down again. HEELLLPPP!”

*zemanmighthavetomarryhismothersadface*

We need a new contestant! Come on down, Roger Cheng for CNET, with iPad rivals catching up: Can iPad 3 keep them at bay?

Apple should be blowing us away with the iPad 3, but it probably won’t.

Bold! Let’s hope you have a really good article that explains why this is the case and won’t just bang out a list of pointless specs that companies are using in a desperate attempt to differentiate their otherwise similar offerings and that consumers don’t care about, yet that tech pundits seem oddly infatuated by!

The latest rumors call for a higher resolution screen on par with the iPhone’s Retina Display, a possible upgrade to the iOS software, and possibly a few other improvements. That’s certainly enough to draw the Apple faithful and sell a ton of iPads.

SUB, PLEASE CHECK: DID APPLE’S 55+ MILLION IPADS ALL GO TO THE ‘APPLE FAITHFUL’?

But with the rapid advances that the competition is making, will it be enough to secure the company’s continued dominance in the tablet business?

SUB, PLEASE CHECK: DID STRAIGHTFORWARD IPAD 2 UPGRADE MAKE IPAD SALES FALL OFF A CLIFF?

So, Roger Cheng, please educate as as to what the iPad lacks, and what Apple should unveil tomorrow!

At first glance, the [Kindle] Fire’s biggest advantage is price. It’s hard to argue with a $200 tablet.

Price! The iPad is too expensive, which explains its lack of sales. *onlytensofmillionssoldsadface*

Sure, the specs aren’t the greatest, and it feels sluggish at times, but it’s not a bad experience for the price.

Everyone likes sub-standard experiences if they are cheaper!

Another key feature is the access to Amazon Prime and its streaming video service. Apple has iTunes, but it doesn’t have its own dedicated service for streaming video for a low flat rate.

Man, if only streaming video apps existed for the iPad.

The Kindle Fire also boasts its own custom Silk Browser, which is supposed to enable faster Web surfing through a cached architecture. It’s debatable whether Silk is that much better.

‘Debatably faster’ is always a good selling point, I find.

The [Asus Transformer] Prime uses Nvidia’s quad-core processor, which on paper means two more cores than the iPad’s dual-core chip

MOAR POWER! Everyone loves specs. Apart from consumers, who really couldn’t give a monkey’s about specs.

But the Prime’s best feature is its detachable keyboard, which makes it a virtual laptop.

Man, if only you could pair an entirely-optional-if-you-really-want-one Bluetooth keyboard with an iPad.

The tablet also has Ice Cream Sandwich, the latest flavor of Android meant to bridge the gap between the smartphone and tablet user interface. Only time will tell if that’s a true advantage.

‘Time will tell if this feature is a true advantage’ is always a good selling point, I find.

Say what you will about the 5-inch Galaxy Note, the [Samsung] Galaxy Note 10.1 is a tablet that makes sense. Its main advantage, like its 5-inch brother, is the S-Pen stylus, which works extremely well on the larger surface.

Man, if only you could get an entirely-optional-if-you-really-want-one stylus for the iPad. And if only people generally had ten styluses attached to the ends of their arms. And if only we weren’t in 2012, instead of the year poor Zeman is stuck in, when a stylus for a tablet still seemed like a pretty neat idea.

Of course, these tablets all have their share of weaknesses as well,

But we’ll subsequently ignore those entirely and won’t address them, because otherwise this article makes no sense.

but that doesn’t take away from the fact these features are ones that iPad users would certainly appreciate,

Every iPad user I’ve ever met has said they want a ‘debatably faster’ browser, features that may or may not be a ‘true advantage’, and an easy-to-lose, pointless stylus!

and indicate that gap between Apple and its rivals isn’t as wide as most people think.

Apart from in terms of sales. And profits. And usage. And quality apps. But none of these things matter if there aren’t enough cores or styluses on stage tomorrow. I HOPE YOU’RE LISTENING, TIM COOK!