Over at The Guardian, Jemima Kiss thinks Apple at its iPad event yesterday wheeled out Steve Jobs to distract from the fact that the iPad 2 (thinner, lighter, two cameras, twice as fast, nine times better graphics, new creative apps) was a load of rubbish:

It’s not hard to read Steve Jobs’ surprise appearance at Wednesday’s iPad 2 unveiling as a mark of desperation. Is Apple so in need of a boost to its share price that it needed to haul Jobs out of medical leave?

Clearly, she’s right. After all, it’s pretty rare for Jobs to front an Apple event. NO, WAIT! And, yeah, mark of desperation—for anyone not expecting digital unicorns, the iPad 2 ticked all of the boxes. But Kiss wanted her horny horses.

But was his appearance designed to distract us from an underwhelming launch? His introduction seemed to try even harder than usual to build up Apple and to knock its rivals – from ebook and app download numbers to dismissing the competition’s attempts at tablets.

Because, gosh, Apple’s rivals haven’t been doing similar, and it’s not like the tech press would EVER report on bullshit spewed out from Apple’s competition regarding tablets. Quick tip: sometimes you have to fight back. Sometimes you can’t rise above. Apple was merely stating some pretty blunt facts about the current state of the market.

Anyway, UNICORNS!

What were we left with after that? A faster processor, a dual-core A5 chip, that will mean it can operate twice as fast and render graphics up to nine times faster.

Yeah, you tell them. No Retina! No USB! NO DAMN UNICORNS! Unremarkable, really, unless you care about performance and graphics, like anyone using creative apps such as the new iMovie and GarageBand for iPad that Apple revealed, and which Kiss seemed to not see, presumably because she was by that point smashing her keyboard with fury, yelling I WANTED A UNICORN, DAMMIT!

A less logical rear-facing camera – who’s going to use the iPad to shoot anything?

Man, if only Apple had demoed some kind of movie-editing software for iPad, like iMovie, and said it would be released on to the App Store alongside the iPad 2. Then that camera would have somehow made sense! What idiots those Apple guys are!

Those improvements could all have been made to the original iPad, though you can’t count a black and white version as an improvement. Lighter, thinner, maybe. Is there really much incentive to buy an iPad 2?

If you’re one of the people with an iPad, maybe not (although, on a rough count, about half the people I know who have an iPad want to upgrade to the iPad 2); but, Ms. Kiss, it might have escaped your attention that while Apple did quite well in selling iPads over the past nine months, it didn’t quite sell 6.7 billion of them. Therefore, there might just be a market that Apple can target with its new device. And thinner/newer/better is a stronger marketing tactic than ‘a year old’.

Steve Jobs’ appearance undermined Apple’s obligation to cultivate a new public face of Apple, apparently for the short-term benefit of a stock-price boost. Long term, that’s succeeded in keeping the succession the main story.

This is true, because at recent Apple events, Jobs has been furiously protective of his space, never showing that Apple’s a company that has many people working hard to make it a success. Stupidly, he never lets anyone else share the stage. Well, apart from Tim Cook. And Scott Forstall. Oh, and Phil Schiller. And Randy Ubillos. And Xander Soren. And Jon Ive. And Craig Federighi. And Bob Mansfield.

Apart from those guys, it’s always all about Steve ‘quick, distract everyone from the substandard updates’ Jobs, the sneaky territorial bastard.