Those bastards at Spotify are coercing people into paying for music, rather than getting a musical moon on a stick for free, the bastards. In Upcoming changes to Spotify Free/Open, the greedy swines rattle on about setting fire to your free account, and quite literally punching you in the face until you cough up for a subscription.

Spotify CEO Jens Ivantyourmoneysson said:

We’ve got this deal with record labels that involves hiring a combination of ninjas and boxers. The ninjas will sneak into your house at night and let in the boxers, who will punch you in the face until you agree to a subscription.

Sitting in his underground lair, watching his gigantic Spotify ROCKETODOOM being created, stroking a white cat, he then continued:

If you don’t do this, you’ll have a broken nose and we will also curb your listening habits. You’ll now only be able to play a track for free up to five times; on the sixth, it will spray salt into your eyes, your computer will explode and we’ll send round the boxer again. You’ll also be limited to ten hours of free Spotify listening per month, but we will aim to ensure you get unlimited punches to the face.

When asked by a journalist about how Spotify could do such a harrowing thing to users who’ve supported Spotify since the start by launching the app and listening to music, for free, with only the occasional interruption from advertisements, and doing nothing else, but doesn’t this smack of pure greed, and won’t people just go back to piracy now, and, you know, I was going to get a paid account—honest—but I’ve now changed my mind because of your evil plans, Ivantyourmoneysson quite literally exploded on stage.

A subsequent joint statement from all major record label CEOs read:

Hahahahahahaha!