Fine. I’ve had enough. The bleating of idiot journos has beaten me down, the last straw being the WSJ piece on how Apple has to act more like Samsung if it wants to thrive. If we ignore profits, design, innovation, usability, clarity of purchase experience, and the app ecosystem, it’s pretty clear Apple is doomed. Therefore, here’s what it should do, in order to ‘thrive’:

  • Fire the entire executive team and replace them with celebrities. Jony Ive’s essentially been doing the exact same thing for years now anyway and is just phoning it in. Therefore, why not add a little celeb pizazz from someone literally phoning it in? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
  • Instead of concentrating on one new model of iPhone, Apple should set fire to focus and embrace a Samsung-like mentality often referred to as “throwing crap at the wall and seeing what sticks”. If Tim Cook’s celeb successor isn’t on stage this summer revealing at least 160 new iPhones, each slightly different from the others, Apple will have clearly failed and won’t thrive. Usefully, consumers will then have real choice, between dozens of different iPhones that are barely possible to tell apart. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
  • Apple’s long concentrated on carefully managing its market share growth, ensuring it makes profits. Price changes haven’t been reactionary, but looking at the long game. It’s pretty clear Apple’s got this wrong. This summer, Apple should announce a price-cut of at least 97 per cent across its entire range. The company could then use catchy slogans such as “iPhone: it’s now so cheap that even the WSJ can’t bitch about that”, although this would obliterate Apple’s profits in the process. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
  • One of Apple’s biggest mistakes has been in not jumping on every possible tech bandwagon, churning out some new hardware and then rapidly abandoning it. The next keynote should be positively chock-full of new kit: an Apple television, some Apple glasses, an Apple watch, an Apple car, an Apple fridge, an Apple apple (edible tech that has an embedded version of Siri that makes helpful utterances such as “You have mail,” and “Rain is forecast this afternoon,” and “OH GOD PLEASE DON’T EAT ME I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”), because, well, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY ETC.

I think we can all agree that this would make for a fantastic new Apple that wouldn’t at all be a total disaster and would thrive!