PRISM PowerPoint use shows Apple is doomed and Tim Cook should be fired
As the tech industry continues to reel from revelations surrounding the top-secret PRISM program (Guardian), analysts within the tech industry said the row has yet again showcased that Apple is doomed. “It’s not so much that Apple might have enabled the US government some kind of ‘back door’ into its systems—after all, Google’s accused of doing the same, so that must be a good thing, promoting openness,” said some analyst or other that no-one had ever heard of before today. “The real problem is the whistleblower used PowerPoint, and that’s bad news for Apple. If people are still using PowerPoint, they’re not using Keynote and they’re not using Macs. Ergo, Apple is doomed and Tim Cook should be fired.”
Another analyst had a slightly different take: “Just because the PRISM slideshow was a PowerPoint document, that doesn’t necessarily mean its creator used a PC. PowerPoint exists for the Mac, and it’s also possible to use PowerPoint in a Windows virtual machine on a Mac.” However, rather than end there and plant a common-sense flag in the ground, his analystness took over for the final furlong: “That said, all of those cases nonetheless spell doom for Apple, because they mean people who try to whistleblow on major governments clearly side with Microsoft, even if they’re using Apple computers. It’s like a secret that will at some point explode from them in a flurry of flat design and Windows. On the basis of that proof, I predict Windows Phone marketshare will eclipse iOS by next Thursday at the latest.”
Yet another analyst also pointed to the composition of the now famous ‘Dates When PRISM Collection Began For Each Provider’ slide as further evidence that the Cupertino-based company is doomed: “Just look at it. Logos everywhere. Gaudy colours. Names of companies broken up over two lines. This isn’t the kind of thing you’d ever see from Apple, and it shows the company doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of modern design trends. This year’s all about bright yellow, cramped text and randomly positioned graphics. Rumours are Sir Jony Ive will unveil simpler, sleeker versions of iOS and OS X at WWDC, and he’s therefore going in exactly the wrong direction. It’s time for someone else to take hold of Apple before it’s too late. Ive and Tim Cook should be fired, and Sir Alan Sugar should immediately be installed as Apple CEO. After all, those Amstrads showed he sure knew good design when he saw it.”
Apple is the last company to be bugged, 5 years after cutting edge Microsoft was already giving up their users secrets.
So no innovation, just a PRISM with rounded corners.
Of course, now that Apple does it – years after everyone else -this is heralded has the greatest spying project ever. All marketing and media bias, as always.
However rumours show that the Galaxy S5 will have a new S-tasi feature, just out of Samsung’s military labs and developed in co-operation with the Korean Central Intelligence Agency, which will blow any spying Apple can do out of the water.
Already a leader in screen size, game-changing apps like the Samsung Wallet and powered by Google’s “laissez-faire” open approach to mobile malware, S-tasi on the Galaxy S5 will further cement Samsung leadership through innovative features such as leveraging users’ IP address pool across the world for posting negative reviews of other brands’ products.
In an exclusive interview to a leading financial newspaper, Mr S. Pi Sung, Samsung’s chief executive for covert operations, said: “Samsung is an industry leader in the global intelligence field, thanks to it’s long relationship with the military and a widely installed base of telecoms routing equipment. We also have a long history of successfully spying the worlds’ most secretive organisations, such as Apple.”