Although Internet Explorer’s marketshare slide isn’t proving steep, it almost seems irreversible at this point. Latest trend charts now put IE’s share under 70% for the first time in many years. Interestingly, Chrome’s near-1% doesn’t appear to have been at the expense of Safari and Firefox either, since both are well up on January 2008.

It remains to be seen how Internet Explorer 8 will affect these figures, but for designers still mulling over whether to make the leap to standards compliance and stop designing for the largest market, the path is now clear. Once, you might have been unconvinced by the ‘one in ten using something other than IE’ argument, but with a third of users now browsing with something other than Microsoft’s giant, it’d be absurd to author web pages in any other manner.

Zoom (brake), zoom (brake), zoom!

1. Speed up!

It might have escaped your notice, but your speedometer has some numbers on it that are greater than 40. This is because your car is actually capable of travelling faster than 40 mph. Therefore, if you happen to stumble upon, say, a motorway, while ambling about, oblivious to the world, you are allowed to drive above 40, and will thereby have fewer fellow road users cursing the very day you were born.

2. Slow down!

OK, so I know this one is going to confuse you, since I just told you to speed up, but you know when you entered a built-up area and saw that big, round sign with a red border that had astonishingly clear ‘3’ and ‘0’ figures in? Well, that was to tell you the maximum speed allowed in that area.

This will probably be a big shock to you, but when you’re faced with a 30 mph speed limit, the ’30’ does not in fact mean ‘carry on at 40’. The aforementioned sign should have alerted you to this simple fact. If not, just watch out for frightened children darting out of the road and scowls from angry pedestrians in future, and take that as an indication that you’re a total idiot who’s driving too fast down a high-street.

3. Speed up!

Yeah, I know—you’re probably thinking “make your mind up”, but here’s the thing: cars don’t topple over when you go around a really slight corner during your 40-mph mission. You don’t need to brake at every single bend, especially if your car is barely moving at that point. Now, I’m not suggesting careering round a hairpin bend at 40, just that your brain doesn’t go: “Corner ahead. Must brake for no discernible reason,” every single time.

4. Enjoy the pretty orange lights

A quick final tip: you probably won’t have noticed this, but there are a bunch of orange lights stuck to your car, towards the sides. These are called ‘indicators’ and they are used to indicate your intentions. They’re not there to make your car a bit prettier, nor to tell someone all about the exciting manoeuvre you just made.

If you’ve watched or read the news over the past few days, the antics of Jonathan Ross and unfunny man Russell Brand can’t have escaped your notice. Having left some fairly insulting and immature messages on former famous person Andrew Sachs’s answer machine regarding Brand’s relationship with Sachs’s granddaughter, and had said messages broadcast, Brand has now quit the BBC and Ross has been suspended for three months (which, annoyingly, means no more Film in 2008).

I’m not going to defend the pair’s actions, nor those of the person responsible for okaying the transmission of the segment, but this entire farce does highlight the very worst of the United Kingdom, in terms of reporting and ‘sheep’ mentality.

Prior to the tabloids getting in a mouth-frothing frenzy about the incident, there had been two complaints, and those were about Ross’s language. Now, there are thousands, presumably composed by people whipped into apoplectic fury by something they didn’t even hear or experience. And the reporting on the subject has been uniformly dreadful. Do people realise this entire episode was sparked by Sachs being a no-show for an interview? Are people aware the show’s producer rang Sachs for permission to air the clip? (Sachs claims the line was ‘bad’, which led to ‘confusion’ regarding what was being asked.) Doubtful, judging by the hate and bile spewing from most people’s mouths.

However, the thing that galls me most about this incident (well, bar the fact that one of my favourite shows is now dead for the year) is that it totally confirms how alive and well the cult of celebrity is in this country. It’s pretty obvious that had Ross and Brand ‘targeted’ a general member of the public, not even a peep of outcry would have happened. And as for Sachs’ granddaughter, Georgina ‘Voluptua’ Baillie, to protect her grandfather’s privacy she got Max Clifford on board to sell her story in an exclusive to the Sun. After all, what better way to protect someone’s privacy and minimise their humiliation than to talk about what happened to them in an interview for the UK’s top-selling newspaper? (Of course, this would have nothing to do with her being an ‘aspiring model’ and a member of the oddly named dance troupe Satanic Sluts, which could, presumably, do with a bit of publicity.)

So, it’s really business as usual. All-comers are lining up to rant, using the incident as an excuse to give the BBC a good kicking. A nobody who wants to be a somebody is whoring themselves out under the premise of being a poor widdle victim. And energy is being spent on something so appallingly pointless, when it could be put to far better use. For example, if those many thousands of people had spent their time conversing with their MP about issues that actually affect the country, rather than bitching about a radio show, our politicians might actually feel accountable for once.

And talking of politicians, Gordon Brown should be thoroughly ashamed for his part in this. You’d think with Britain’s economy getting smashed to pieces that he’d have more important things to deal with than a couple of middle-of-the-road presenters taking the piss out of an ex-comedy star and his fame-hungry granddaughter. Still, way to distract the population, Mr. Prime Minister. Maybe you can get Ross or Brand to make another faux-pas just before the next election!

These aren’t tears of joy—they’re tears of pain

1. Refresh your material

Yes, your material is clearly the funniest thing known to man, and it bears repeating to everyone on the face of the planet, including undiscovered tribes in the deepest, darkest reaches of the jungle. But here’s the thing: when I’ve already paid to see you live last year, in an entirely different tour, and you come on stage, mentioning that you were part of the last tour and are lucky enough to be included in this one, it’s probably best to actually have something new to say.

This might surprise you, but while repeats are bad enough on television, they’re far more annoying than a billion Janet Street Porters when you’ve paid 20 quid per ticket to watch a word-for-word regurgitation of a year-old act.

2. Adapt your material with care

I know I’m probably being ungrateful here, and that you should in fact be able to go on stage, play a tape recording of your act, and just read the paper and drink beer in front of me, but what I’d actually like to see is something unique and original. When you clearly have in your canned script ‘insert current location here’, it makes me want to insert something into you, like a really sharp stick into a nervous-looking eye.

To take an example—entirely at random, obviously—if a certain support act were to happen upon an Aldershot venue and try to do jokes about the town, don’t fire off the exact same jokes with the same generic information that you used a year ago when doing the exact same act in a totally different venue a number of miles away. It just makes you look like a lazy git—and, frankly, if you can’t come up with some new material for a 25-minute support act during an entire year, I think those dreams of playing Wembley Arena should be shot to pieces right now.

3. Refresh your material

Yes, your material is clearly the funniest thing known to man, and it bears repeating to everyone on the face of the planet, including undiscovered tribes in the deepest, darkest reaches of the jungle. But here’s the thing: when I’ve already paid to see you live last year, in an entirely different tour, and you come on stage, mentioning that you were part of the last tour and are lucky enough to be included in this one, it’s probably best to actually have something new to say.

This might surprise you, but while repeats are bad enough on television, they’re far more annoying than a billion Janet Street Porters when you’ve paid 20 quid per ticket to watch a word-for-word regurgitation of a year-old act.

Decidedly Sound investment or Dreary Stupid idea?

Yesterday evening in Japan-o-time, Nintendo announced the DSi, the next iteration of the Nintendo DS. With the DS being the console that changed the gaming landscape, paving the way for the family-friendly Wii, and having sold in huge numbers, any change is clearly dangerous.

Nintendo runs the risk of a drop-off in sales with people waiting for the DSi, or people being underwhelmed by the hardware specification, and therefore getting tempted by something more powerful, or more open (like the Pandora).

There’s no word regarding whether the DSi will support non-stupid router security, but here are my thoughts on the announced features, in patented* ‘hurrah’ (good) and ‘hurroo’ (not good) format:

* Not patented.

Bigger screens

The screens are apparently 17 per cent bigger than the ones on the DS Lite, meaning 17 per cent less squinting, but they appear to be the same resolution, retaining compatibility. Although some muppets are reporting both screens are now touchscreens, they aren’t—only the bottom one is, but again this is good from a compatibility standpoint. Hurrah!

No GBA slot

We all knew this was coming, surely? However, this presents a double-whammy, and a triple whammy if you go ‘yarrrr’ a lot. No GBA slot means no GBA games (which means no Rhythm Tengoku), but it also means games that utilise the GBA slot for expansions are scuppered. This also means anyone making use of a 3-in-1 for playing loads of naughty GBA titles on their DS is stuffed. Hurroo.

In fact, no GBA at all

With the GBA slot gone, so is the GBA hardware, bringing to an end the original Game Boy line entirely. This makes us sad. Not as sad as if our puppy died, but about as sad as if our PVR missed off the last three minutes of QI. Hurroo.

SD slot

This sort of replaces the GBA slot. And there are all sorts of exciting things you can do with an SD card, right? (Spoiler: ‘yes’ is the right answer—see below). Hurrah!

Built-in cameras

The big black dot on the front of the DSi isn’t a skin condition (sorry, beauty spot)—it’s a magical camera hole! This would have enabled your DS to take the place of a digital camera, if only Nintendo hadn’t kicked itself in the face with the resolution. Think iPhone’s camera’s bad? Wait until you get a load of the DSi cameras, both of which are 640 by 480 resolution (0.3 megapixel). Yes, that’s not a typo—the DSi’s cameras will be on a par with those from a really rubbish mobile phone.

The photos will be editable using the stylus, presumably dumpable on to the SD card, and high-res would have been somewhat tricky to deal with, but I can’t help but feel a little short-changed here. Hurroo.

DSiWare

This one’s the biggie. The DS is currently the odd console out, lacking downloadable games content, but that’s all about to change. DSiWare will bring to the DSi a range of titles between no money and about seven quid in cost terms.

What these games will be is unclear, but I suspect Game Boy releases are on the cards. However, emulation software for the DS via the naughty internet shows that while the GBA is out of reach, the system can definitely run NES, Spectrum, 8-bit Sega and even Neo-Geo titles without stumbling, and so here’s hoping for some serious variety. Hurrah!

Opera

The browser’s now built in to the firmware (which we just bet also has some nifty way of blocking R4s and similar cards), and so it’s free. That is all! Hurrah! (Apart from the R4 speculation, obv.)

Release date

The Japanese will get their hands on the DSi, priced at about 100 quid, in under a month. November the 1st is the happy-time date. With us being a worldwide economy, that means a simultaneous worldwide release, right? Wrong. Nintendo has set their Mug-o-tron to ‘high’, and will milk the UK for one last Christmas, before unleashing the DSi in Europe next year. “We’re aiming to launch DSi in Europe in Spring 2009,” said Nintendo. Translation: “We’re aiming to get idiots to buy a DS this Christmas, and then a DSi in March. Mwahahahahaha!”

Don’t be an idiot, readers. Make Nintendo suffer for taking the piss out of you. Not so much a ‘hurroo’ as a MAJOR FAIL.

Overall, this announcement rates fairly highly on the game-o-scale. It’s not a Rhythm Tengoku of goodness, but more like a Zoo Keeper where you’re forced to play Quest Mode against your wishes every 40 minutes.