The PS5 is pretty great, as are sausages. But it turns out it’s good SEO when sites attempt to wring out absurdly long articles from questions that can be answered using a single word, and so it’s time for Revert to Saved to get in on this gig. For those of you wondering whether the PS5 actually is a sausage, we will answer your question right here. Eventually.

The PS5 is, of course, a games console. You can play games on it. You might like games, or you might not. We’re going to spend a little time here now linking to some games, because the editor said “write 500 words on this”, and he’s threatened everyone with only covering Mario Kart Tour forever if we don’t comply. So, anyway, God of War, Driveclub, and Red Dead Redemption 2 are all PS4 games that will probably get sequels on the PS5.

The new question – which we made up while drunk – is our attempt to get loads of people to click here for no good reason, despite the fact we could (as we’ve already outlined) have answered said query in just three characters or less. We could even have done that in really big letters. But we’re not allowed, because reasons.

And sausages are sticks of meat, in case you were wondering. Some people eat them. Some people don’t like them. If you were reviewing sausages as a game, you might give them 7/10 and say “you’ll like them if you like this sort of thing”, to try and keep the publisher of sausages happy. (Do sausages have publishers? Hey, there’s an idea for another article. This is fucking gold.)

OK, now we need a big heading, to get back the attention of readers who may have drifted off at this point.

Is the PS5 actually a sausage?

The PS5 is not actually a sausage.

Now the question has been answered, but WordPress reckons we’re still 200 words short. Shit. So we still need to bang on for another 200 words or so. At this point, embedding a video would be a good idea, to keep people’s interest.

OK, so that’s not a PS5 as a sausage, but it’s pretty close, combining the innards of a toy parrot and a large sausage. (Thanks to Paul Granjon for the above classic.)

Unfortunately, meat-based consoles are mostly a thing of the past, or perhaps we just dreamt them up after watching Videodrome one too many times. But since there’s no PS5 sausage, you’ll just have to wait until Sony makes one, or make one yourself, shortly before getting carted away to a room with padded walls.

Oh, man: 439 words. This is tiring stuff. Aha! Let’s just end on a generic bit about how we here at Revert to Saved thoroughly review every meat-based console we recommend, using industry standard prods and fork stabs to evaluate said gadgets. We’ll always tell you what we discover, even if you don’t want us to. So tell us what you think by emailing the editor. And leave us out of it, because our work here is done, and we now need to shower off the dirt.

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A previous version of this article was based on the PS4. It’s now based on the PS5, because someone noted this would be better for traffic.

Apple Arcade! But Apple doesn’t get gaming, right? So clearly it’s going to be a total disaster. What we need on iOS is a company with a proven track record in games, like Nintendo! They’ll show Apple how it’s done, such as with new super soaraway racer Super Mario Tour! I’m sure this is going to be EXCELLENT, and totally show up Apple Arcade for the rubbish that it really is! !!!! !!!11!11!!ONE1!!!

Oh. Well, lots of games want you to sign in. This is still OK! I mean, the fact you can’t do anything unless you sign up feels a bit like Mario has taken you hostage. But THIS IS ALL FINE.

And everyone loves notifications, right?

Off to a browser. This is already like a tour – OF APPS! How exciting!

And now a little minigame! How thoughtful. Oh, hang on. It’s one of those awful CAPTCHA things that often don’t work. I AM GOING TO CONVINCE MYSELF I AM STILL HAVING FUN.

Tap tap tap tap tap.

Congratulations! I’m ready to race!

Oh. Unless the internet connection goes squiffy, in which case Nintendo hates your face and decides you cannot do anything at all. Oops – sorry, I forgot: Nintendo can DO NO WRONG. Mario Kart Tour is SO FUN!

Internet back, it’s time to race in Mario Kart Tour. The tour apparently takes place somewhere with worse kart games. Because this one is… well… what you might expect from a company that clearly hates mobile and won’t release full experiences on it. FINISH! Yes, you probably should.

Still, I’m playing now, so at least nothing can ruin the momentu— oh. Well, fine. I mean, every game needs to randomly download a few hundred MB of data within a few minutes of you firing it up, right‽

*one cup later*

Well, I mean, it’s… fine? It’s not that exciting, but it looks nice. The mobile controls are… OK? Super Mario Tour is probably the fifth or sixth best kart racer I’ve ever played on mobile. BOX QUOTE!

Let’s hope it doesn’t do anything stupid, eh?

Uh-oh.

Fnar!

Uh-oh.

Yikes!

I… don’t even. A gold pass, which nets you ‘extra benefits’ and 200cc races. And a snap at the exact same price per month as Apple Arcade (with its 71 games and counting – dozens of which are really good).

You know, perhaps Apple is on to something here after all.

The gloves are off! Apple is doomed again! And with it, we get tech writers giving the company a right hook with a boxing glove of stupid, but cunningly following up with an occasional uppercut of truth, because balance. The Guardian’s A brief guide to everything that’s annoying about Apple is an excellent case in point, offering 26 examples of how bloody annoying Apple is! And if you’re thinking 26 examples doesn’t make for a brief guide, I’ve news for you: despite the title, this post probably won’t be brief either.

1 The passwords

Yes, the Guardian leads with passwords being the big evil. Clearly, Apple is the only company to have you sign into things. No other companies do this. SO ANNOYING. Well, apart from Apple making things easier with Touch ID, and the security that comes from passwords. BUT WE SHALL IGNORE SUCH TRIFLING THINGS. ONWARDS!

2 The product launches

Half a point here, Guardian, if only because Apple last year slipped into dad joke city and events that lasted approximately eleven days. But the most recent one, where Tim Cook mostly talked about health, privacy and the environment? That’s only annoying if you’re a tech journo on a deadline rather than an actual human.

3 The endless hardware upgrades

If Apple didn’t upgrade its hardware often, number 3 in this list would have been ‘the lack of hardware upgrades’. Plus, again, isn’t it SO ANNOYING that Apple is the only company that endlessly upgrades hardware and obsoletes certain connectors? No other companies in the history of history have ever done that. BAD APPLE.

4 The Green Eggs and Ham approach to software updates
Install now? Turn on automatic software updates? Remind me later? Try in an hour? Try tonight? Would you update them in a box? Would you update them with a fox? You do not like software updates, so you say? Try them, try them and you may!

CHOICES ARE BAD.

5 The U2 album

I’m not going to argue over this one. Mind you, nor did Apple when it specifically created a ‘wipe U2 from the face of your iTunes’ tool.

6 The price

BLAH BLAH APPLE IS EXPENSIVE BLAH. The Guardian writer notes that in the UK you can “buy a basic mobile phone for as little as £10”, because that’s totally like an iPhone. (And if Tim Cook went crazy and decided the iPhone 7 would sell for a tenner, you can bet people would still find something to whine about.)

7 They’re too cool for tills

Agreed. This actually is annoying. Guardian hit rate: now two and a half out of seven. Almost as good as Apple rumour websites.

8 The ubiquitous ringtone

Because you can’t change ringtones. (Also: not as bad as that sodding Nokia one.)

9 iPhone repairs
No matter what’s wrong with your iPhone, or how tiny, it costs at least £200 to fix. Dodgy home button? £200. Won’t restart? £200. Cracked screen? A bargain at £100.

Guardian breaks the laws of maths as ‘a bargain at £100’ equates to ‘at least £200’. Did anyone even read this back before it was published?

10 The rip-off accessories
Need a new power adapter because that magnetic bit on the end broke when it got bent back too much? How much, Apple Store? £65! Plain black phone bumper that you could get down the market for a fiver? £25!

Another Billy Half a Point! Apple does sometimes take the piss here, but the bumper whinge? Just no. If you don’t like the bumper, it’s not like it’s mandatory. Unless Tim Cook passed some kind of new law while I wasn’t watching.

11 The constant iTunes revamping

SO CLOSE! The revamping isn’t the problem. The fact it’s still bloody awful is the problem.

12 The utopian demos

This is true. Apple should in future have demo videos that feature people looking miserable on a grey, rainy pebble beach while a seagull poos on their head and steals their chips. People can aspire to that.

13 The Apple Watch
It sucks and Apple won’t admit it.

“It’s so annoying when I have an opinion about something and the company that made it doesn’t publicly agree, even though doing so would be unbelievably stupid.”

14 Apple TV
“The future of television?” Also known as “Another expensive box that does nothing all your other expensive boxes can’t do already, but has an Apple logo on it.”

Hmm. I have to agree with this one, on the basis that the ‘future of television’ argument was bone-headed. But the Apple TV itself is really good. So there.

15 Mac lag
Our old MacBook takes longer to wake up every morning than we do.

Either Guardian writers spring out of bed in an instant, someone’s telling porkies, or there’s a MacBook in some serious need of help. Poor MacBook.

16 It is more controlling than Prince was
We know we’ve paid for the entire Prince back catalogue at some stage, but iTunes won’t let us listen to it without negotiating an assault course of synching protocols, passwords, user settings, menus, helpdesk chatbots and, finally, Googled explainers.

Or, if you’re already signed into your Apple account, clicking on some cover art. Exaggeration. So annoying! Perhaps that’s number 17 in the list!

17 Wet fingers

Oh. Wait, what?

17 Wet fingers

Apple has wet fingers? That’s annoying? Also, what?

Having to wait for 20 minutes after coming out of the shower before our iPhone fingerprint scanner recognises us. Like the clean you isn’t the real you.

Which suggests either Guardian writers set up Touch ID when covered in grime (and/or are usually covered in grime), or they spend so long in the shower that they emerge wrinkled to the point even the dogs on this article would recoil in horror, barking “TOO WRINKLY! SEND HELP!”

18 They have turned into The Man

Apparently, Apple is now Big Brother, while trying to fight the US government over privacy. Got it.

19 Their hatred of ports

The Guardian, presumably also still angry Apple dropped the floppy drive from the iMac. Although the reasoning on this one is weirder than you might imagine. If you were expecting a perfectly rational and sensible argument about the new MacBook only having one USB-C port, well…

Apple’s eradication of USB ports from iPads just rendered all your accessories obsolete

That’s right: Apple’s giant iPhone doesn’t have USB ports, and that is the source of annoyance. (The USB dongle is, naturally, waved away as a money waster.)

Just like their sealing up of the DVD/CD slot rendered your collections of both obsolete

What, on the Mac?

It is now easier to hack the US defence system than get a DVD on to an iPad.

Oh, on the iPad. Right. I can count the times I’ve wanted to play a DVD on my iPad on the invisible finger I’m not holding up right now.

20 The ‘Smart Battery Case’

Apple selling people a battery case to make their iPhone battery last longer. SO ANNOYING.

21 Their format dictatorship

This is true. Apple has a dictatorship based on formats! Annoying! Wait, what?

You take a picture with your iPhone. You import it to iPhotos.

‘iPhotos’. Do you mean ‘iPhoto’, now cancelled? OK, that’s being picky. Let’s not quibble about details!

Now you try to attach it to an email. Ha! You can’t!

Actually, no, let’s quibble about details. Ever heard of drag and drop?

The only way to do it easily is through Apple’s own Mail application, otherwise known as BlackMail.

Ah, I see. “I use Gmail in a browser, and can’t drop photos on to it from Photos.” Actually, that is quite annoying. Hard to know who’s to blame for that one. Still, half a point!

22 Their wealth

Apple makes money and is profitable. So, so, so very annoying.

23 Their contempt for humanity
Bill Gates uses his fortune to cure malaria, Apple uses its fortune to … make bigger fortunes.

This is true. Apple does literally nothing to help the world.

24 Error 53
How many corporations possess and wield the power to criminally damage their products – your products – after they’ve sold them to you? Apple’s notorious “Error 53” punished users for the offence of going to “unauthorised” repairers by effectively shutting down their iPhone 6 handsets – a practice known as “bricking”. When a class-action lawsuit threatened, Apple got scared and backed down – a practice known as “bricking it”.

You appear to have mis-spelled ‘messed up’ as ‘got scared’, but, well, we’re 24 items in now and there was probably a word count to hit, a train to catch, and your fingers were getting awfully tired.

25 They’ve taken over the music industry

As evidenced by the lack of competition from the likes of Spotify and Google Play.

iTunes paved the way for the low-priced digital music revolution, where artists get a minuscule share of the profits and Apple gets a much larger cut. It wiped out high-street record shops, crippled the music industry, then extracted a ransom from artists to put their music in its virtual shop window.

Fortunately, before Apple came along, the music industry was doing brilliantly, due to people downloading music for free on Napster.

26 Their business model is The Circle
Dave Eggers’ dystopian novel details a utopian-sounding tech corporation whose ambitions extend to every aspect of people’s lives, anticipating, fulfilling and creating their every desire, to the extent that people never need to step outside the closed loop of control. Then find they can’t even if they want to. Apple has done its best to dispel such comparisons by building a massive new headquarters – in the shape of a circle.

That is perhaps the most annoying thing I’ve read this month, although not because of Apple.

It turns out that tiny humans are fond of Apple products, too. Our own particular tiny human (21 months at the time of writing), has expressed preferences for specific hardware in certain ways, most notably by gleefully smacking it with baby paws, or wailing in an eardrum-splitting fashion when it’s suggested that said Apple hardware is, in fact, someone else’s.

Here, then, are the top three Apple products, should the company want to directly target the next generation today.

1. Apple keyboard. 

For some reason, keyboards are like catnip to tiny humans. SMASH SMASH SMASH. This is especially so when a keyboard happens to be connected to a Mac on which daddy is doing work while on deadline.

2. Apple TV remote (pre-Siri).

Our living-room Apple TV is a third-gen, and mini-G decided no-one else is to be trusted with the remote (to the point when daddy accidentally stopped Peppa Pig, said remote was snatched away and hidden beyond reach). The only tiny snag is mini-G’s current usage, which is CLICK BIG BUTTON UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS. (Often: playing an entirely unsuitable trailer.)

3. Daddy’s iPhone. 

We had a knackered old iPod touch knocking about, and that became mini-G’s, loaded up with kiddie apps that run in iOS 6, and music for sleeps. But it turns out that daddy’s iPhone is SO MUCH MORE FUN. Cue: evenings where daddy watches Peppa Pig while mini-G quickly switches between Novation Launchpad, Endless ABC, and My Very Hungry Caterpillar, in a manner that makes daddy’s head spin.

With no tea leaves handy, I have looked out of the window at the decomposing leaves in the garden, and here’s what they had to say about today’s Apple event. All rumours guaranteed one hundred per cent accurate.

• In a drive towards honestly in marketing, the new smaller iPhone will be called the iPhone Upsell.
• Tim Cook will perform a rap about privacy, which will carry on until: The FBI stops bugging us / Otherwise we will continue to cuss. Them. / It’s not about one iPhone, it’s about precedent / And you should know that, Mr. President.
• Apple will hurl an iPad Pro at the temple of any journalist who’s written about the iPad’s sales decline, knocking them out cold and thereby stemming worldwide criticism.
• The ‘loop’ in ‘Let us loop you in’ will refer to a new tether that keeps an iPhone attached to your wrist. Permanently. The loop can never be removed.
• A new Apple Watch strap will periodically give you a small electric shock, thereby jerking your arm and making the watch’s face turn on, saving you having to perform a magic arm twist yourself.

Oh, all right, then. There will be a new and smaller iPhone that will be called MAGICAL, and a new and smaller iPad Pro that will be called MAGICAL, and Jony Ive will probably still be locked in a white room. MAGICAL. HAPPY NOW?