With no tea leaves handy, I have looked out of the window at the decomposing leaves in the garden, and here’s what they had to say about today’s Apple event. All rumours guaranteed one hundred per cent accurate.

  • In a drive towards honestly in marketing, the new smaller iPhone will be called the iPhone Upsell.
  • Tim Cook will perform a rap about privacy, which will carry on until: The FBI stops bugging us / Otherwise we will continue to cuss. Them. / It’s not about one iPhone, it’s about precedent / And you should know that, Mr. President.
  • Apple will hurl an iPad Pro at the temple of any journalist who’s written about the iPad’s sales decline, knocking them out cold and thereby stemming worldwide criticism.
  • The ‘loop’ in ‘Let us loop you in’ will refer to a new tether that keeps an iPhone attached to your wrist. Permanently. The loop can never be removed.
  • A new Apple Watch strap will periodically give you a small electric shock, thereby jerking your arm and making the watch’s face turn on, saving you having to perform a magic arm twist yourself.

Oh, all right, then. There will be a new and smaller iPhone that will be called MAGICAL, and a new and smaller iPad Pro that will be called MAGICAL, and Jony Ive will probably still be locked in a white room. MAGICAL. HAPPY NOW?