Super Mario Tour vs Apple Arcade: FIGHT!
Apple Arcade! But Apple doesn’t get gaming, right? So clearly it’s going to be a total disaster. What we need on iOS is a company with a proven track record in games, like Nintendo! They’ll show Apple how it’s done, such as with new super soaraway racer Super Mario Tour! I’m sure this is going to be EXCELLENT, and totally show up Apple Arcade for the rubbish that it really is! !!!! !!!11!11!!ONE1!!!
Oh. Well, lots of games want you to sign in. This is still OK! I mean, the fact you can’t do anything unless you sign up feels a bit like Mario has taken you hostage. But THIS IS ALL FINE.
And everyone loves notifications, right?
Off to a browser. This is already like a tour – OF APPS! How exciting!
And now a little minigame! How thoughtful. Oh, hang on. It’s one of those awful CAPTCHA things that often don’t work. I AM GOING TO CONVINCE MYSELF I AM STILL HAVING FUN.
Tap tap tap tap tap.
Congratulations! I’m ready to race!
Oh. Unless the internet connection goes squiffy, in which case Nintendo hates your face and decides you cannot do anything at all. Oops – sorry, I forgot: Nintendo can DO NO WRONG. Mario Kart Tour is SO FUN!
Internet back, it’s time to race in Mario Kart Tour. The tour apparently takes place somewhere with worse kart games. Because this one is… well… what you might expect from a company that clearly hates mobile and won’t release full experiences on it. FINISH! Yes, you probably should.
Still, I’m playing now, so at least nothing can ruin the momentu— oh. Well, fine. I mean, every game needs to randomly download a few hundred MB of data within a few minutes of you firing it up, right‽
*one cup later*
Well, I mean, it’s… fine? It’s not that exciting, but it looks nice. The mobile controls are… OK? Super Mario Tour is probably the fifth or sixth best kart racer I’ve ever played on mobile. BOX QUOTE!
Let’s hope it doesn’t do anything stupid, eh?
Uh-oh.
Fnar!
Uh-oh.
Yikes!
I… don’t even. A gold pass, which nets you ‘extra benefits’ and 200cc races. And a snap at the exact same price per month as Apple Arcade (with its 71 games and counting – dozens of which are really good).
You know, perhaps Apple is on to something here after all.
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