Through an unnamed source*, I have put together a list of sure-fire predictions for the Apple Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) 2011 keynote and its knock-on effects for Apple and the tech industry.

• Mac OS X 10.7 (Lion) will be demoed further. Apple pundits will bitch and complain about how the new features are rubbish, pointless, stupid and smell a bit of wee. These same pundits will then be writing up features and tutorials about how UNICORN AMAZING said features are, approximately fourteen seconds after they’ve had a chance to play with them themselves.
• iOS 5 will be revealed, with a number of features that improve Apple’s mobile platform immeasurably. However, because Apple won’t include features that tech pundits want, iOS 5 will be widely slammed, despite appealing more to consumers. Also, iOS 5 will in some way include features that bear a little resemblance to things Android can already do. This will cause an Android-user smugness overload on the internet, countered by an Apple fan-boy whinealanche that will cause almost half of the internet to CATCH FIRE.
• Analysts will react to the keynote by claiming their predictions, which were almost the exact opposite of what was revealed, were in fact the same as what was revealed, and will happily continue making up bullshit and getting paid for it. Forever.
• Apple is doomed will be a common theme, due to the company missing out the one thing a prominent tech pundit wanted to see in Lion or iOS 5, and also for not releasing devices that the competition are making but that themselves will in the long run be doomed to failure. Apple, naturally, will only remain doomed in the press, while making more money every second than you could stuff down your pants, even if you have really big, baggy pants.
• Apple will take down its entire store, just to fuck with people’s heads. With any luck, it will come back up, with only a single price-change to one product: the price of the Digital AV Adapter, down by a single Euro, and only in the Belgian store.
• Most people will be disappointed with whatever Apple announces, because most people believe the hype and don’t appreciate how stunning the technology we have is, and even how fantastic the incremental updates we’re getting are. As this YouTube video says, everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy. START BEING HAPPY. NOW.

Reckon I’ll be six-for-six this year.

* My brain, which doesn’t have a name, and is therefore thoroughly jealous of my kneecaps, Arthur and Gerald.

Charlie Brooker, in his latest piece for The Guardian:

Look at the App Store. Read the reviews of novelty games costing 59p. Lots of slaggings – which is fair enough when you’re actively warning other users not to bother shelling out for something substandard. But they often don’t stop there. In some cases, people insist the developers should be jailed for fraud, just because there weren’t enough levels for their liking. I once read an absolutely scathing one-star review in which the author bitterly complained that a game had only kept them entertained for four hours.

FOUR HOURS? FOR 59P? AND YOU’RE ANGRY ENOUGH TO WRITE AN ESSAY ABOUT IT? ON YOUR EXPENSIVE IPHONE? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

He says this is human nature, with technology having left us hopelessly spoiled. I say people should get a sense of perspective, because their incessant moaning about App Store games is ridiculous. I wonder how many of these idiots whining about a good 59p game that provides four hours of entertainment have ever bought a game on another platform (such as the Nintendo DS, with its carts costing 15 quid a pop or more), or back in the days where you took a punt on an Amiga game for 25 quid. Even in the mid-1980s, the era of the C64 and ZX Spectrum, the absolute cheapest games were £1.99, came on cassette, and were—proportionately speaking—often as bad as the worst 59p iPhone ‘specials’, with the odd gem randomly lurking in the mix.

Four hours of fun gameplay for 59p isn’t something to complain about—it’s something that should be celebrated.

Apple’s announced that it will reveal iCloud at WWDC, and the rumour mill is swirling with what features the service will bring. Foremost among them is the claim Apple has signed up the four major record labels for a cloud music service. Other claims are that Apple will offer similar back-up/streaming services for movies, television shows and documents.

I’d be excited about this, if it wasn’t for two things. First, I don’t buy a lot of iTunes content, and I’ve a horrible feeling Steve Jobs is going to bang on about some ‘magical’ system that backs up your iTunes purchases to the cloud. I can’t imagine there’s any chance we’ll see all your music, regardless of source, available. In part, this is because Apple itself won’t have copies of all tracks anyway, but also labels are greedy and will almost certainly block any attempt to enable access to tracks that might have been downloaded on the sly, even if they would make money from streaming subscriptions. Another possibility would be for Apple to offer a small ‘upgrade’ fee per track, like it did for iTunes Plus, but that also seems a stretch. In any case, Spotify will probably remain a better bet for Brits.

The second concern I have stems from my experience with the Apple TV. Using my UK iTunes account, it’s still the same content-light box it was when I got the device at Christmas, and that’s never changed for Brits since the dawn of the revamped black box. By contrast, Americans get Netflix, TV rentals, baseball and more. It’s understandable that Apple concentrates first on the US, which is a large, affluent market, but it’s disappointing there are no Apple TV deals in the UK to integrate iPlayer, 4OD and LoveFilm at the very least—and UK TV rentals might never happen. With iCloud, you can bet Jobs will reveal a bunch of great features, only for anyone outside of the USA to chance across a subtly different web page on their country’s Apple site, missing features but, crucially, not missing any of an associated price-tag. (You can also bet that the US tech media will fail to report on this, too, as always.)

The one saving grace here will be if Apple finally manages to provide some kind of usable, useful back-up and restoration process for iOS devices. If my iPod, iPhone and iPad could save app data and preferences to the cloud and reinstate them on an app reinstall, and perhaps even optionally sync data (such as progress in videogames), I’ll be prepared to overlook Apple overlooking my country.

Fighting talk from Dan Grabham over at TechRadar in Windows 8 could make you rethink buying iPad 3:

An iPad isn’t a do-everything device. Windows 8 tablets will be

Of course, it remains to be seen if Windows 8 tablets are do-everything well devices. Given that many apps will still be designed for mouse pointers rather than touch, I doubt that will be the case.

Despite slow sales, Windows Phone is a surprisingly good phone OS. If you’re guffawing at that last sentence, we reckon you probably haven’t used it.

I totally agree with Grabham here. I’ve only used Windows Phone briefly a few times, but I was impressed with what Microsoft has done. The UI is interesting and, importantly, Redmond didn’t just rip-off Apple’s iOS, unlike pretty much everyone else in the smartphone race. The system being called Windows Phone is fucking stupid, though, and hints at problems Microsoft has in moving on from its past.

Microsoft’s new OS has a potentially game-changing trick up its sleeve. Microsoft isn’t redesigning the Windows that we all know. Indeed, Windows 8 will have a desktop that’s actually very similar to Windows 7. But it will be overlaid by the Windows Phone-style interface. Two operating systems in one, you might say. And that’s actually going to propel Windows 8 devices past their competitors in terms of do-it-all devices.

That actually sounds extremely risky. Mac OS X and iOS share certain aspects of architecture, but they are each designed from the ground up to be suitable for the interfaces of the hardware they run on. Having a single operating system run across traditional computers and tablets is an extremely challenging prospect. Kudos to Microsoft if they pull this off and ‘force’ software creators to make their products work brilliantly with pointers and touch, but I worry Windows 8 will be the same old Windows on the desktop, and also the same old Windows on a tablet, just with a touch skin overlay that works really well for very few applications.

As John Gruber deftly points out in Why Windows 8 Is Fundamentally Flawed as a Response to the iPad:

[I]t’s a fundamentally flawed idea for Microsoft to build their next-generation OS and interface on top of the existing Windows. The idea is that you get the new stuff right alongside Windows as we know it. Microsoft is obviously trying to learn from Apple, but they clearly don’t understand why the iPad runs iOS, and not Mac OS X.

Microsoft’s demo video shows [the full version of] Excel running alongside new touch-based apps. They can make buttons more ‘touch friendly’ all they want, but they’ll never make Excel for Windows feel right on a touchscreen UI. Consider the differences between the iWork apps for the Mac and iPad. The iPad versions aren’t ‘touch friendly”’ versions of the Mac apps — they’re entirely new beasts designed and programmed from the ground up for the touchscreen and for the different rules and tradeoffs of the iOS interface

Gruber claims that the ability to run Mac OS X apps on the iPad, with full access to the file system and other Mac conventions, would make the iPad worse, and that the device is popular due to it eliminating complexity. I think he’s right—in keeping complexity under the hood, Apple has made a system that is so intuitive even toddlers can happily use it. I find it hard to see how Microsoft will be able to do the same with Windows 8, if it remains the same old Windows. Windows Phone, on the other hand, was exactly the right foundation to build on for next-generation Microsoft, so it’s only natural Redmond is marginalising it in favour of ‘proper’ Windows.

Grabham again:

Finally, Windows can emerge from the shadow of the PC as we know it.

And yet remain in the shadow of Windows as we know it.

Lodsys has responded to Apple’s legal slap by suing seven iOS developers. FOSS patents says the unlucky seven are Combay, Inc. (Mega Poker Online Texas Holdem), Iconfactory, Inc. (Twitterriffic), Illusion Labs AB (Labyrinth), Michael G. Karr (69 Positions), Quickoffice, Inc. (Quickoffice Connect), Richard Shinderman (Hearts and Daggers) and Wulven Games (Shadow Era). Again, Lodsys has responded on its blog, and I’m happy to provide translation.

In the May 15, 2011 blog posting, we clearly stated that we are attempting to license every App Developer that utilizes the functionality, regardless of size, and regardless of enabling technology, and that those licenses would be proportional.

This is why the guys we’ve chosen to sue are indies or, in many cases, sole traders, because we’re attempting to screw every app developer, regardless of size. We’ll be right on at the big devs next. Honest.

Rolling developers into belonging to the enabling platform (Apple’s developers or Android developers) and how they are under attack from a troll (rather than it being a rights holder attempts to get paid for its property and questioning the full scope and veracity of the platform provider’s promises, or that App Developers have choices of what functionality to put in their applications and which platforms to sell on)

It’s not trolling when you have a whiny blog! It’s not trolling when you wait until quite a long time after IAP has appeared to sue! It’s not trolling when you only go after small players and threaten their businesses! It’s not trolling when you make nothing yourself and are only in the business of buying up IP and figuring out who you can use it for to sue.

This story is about accountability for actions. If you are a Developer, it’s about knowledge about the scope and risks of your own business.

Dear developers: in future, make sure you check every aspect of everything you do against every patent that has ever existed, ever. Also: fuck you.

Lodsys has only one motivation: we want to get paid for our rights.

We like making money through suing people. Being constructive and creative is for dolts.

There is a more complicated set of motivations from the platform providers and the app developers concerning profit margins, control, ownership of the customer relationship, responsibility for liabilities, cloning, IP rights clearance, what is fair to expect a small developer to understand, who pays and who gets away without paying… all of which are much more intellectually interesting and worthy of analysis and commentary.

Please stop saying we’re evil. We just want to be loved.

While it is true that Apple and Lodsys have an obvious dispute about the scope of Apple’s license to the Lodsys Patents, we are willing to put our money where our mouth is and pay you something if we are wrong.  Therefore, Lodsys offers to pay $1,000 to each entity to whom we have sent an infringement notice for infringement on the iOS platform, or that we send a notice to in the future, if it turns out that the scope of Apple’s existing license rights apply to fully license you with respect to our claim relating to your App on Apple iOS.

We’re not entirely sure we’re in the right here. Still, by offering a grand in cash if we screw up, we hope to make people think we’re lovely, and we’re also hoping they’ll all ignore the fact that a grand won’t cover even a fraction of anyone’s legal fees. Result!

Most successful Application Developers have chosen to develop their applications on more than one platform and sell them in more than one store (where they are contractually allowed to do so).  The press and the blogs seem focused on the specific instances of small developers, who are only on Apple iOS, so those particular developers will be especially well served by our offer.

Or, maybe, we’re just delusional and really do believe our own bullshit. Who can tell?

For those Application Developers who are also providing their Apps on other platforms such as Android, BlackBerry, Windows Phone, Symbian , Windows, Mac OS X, Facebook…etc., and/or on other app stores such as Android Market, Amazon, Ovi, Handango…etc…, then the economic responsibility still applies to those units in addition to the iOS units.

VIC-20 devs had better watch out too.

Please note that this offer only applies to the iOS portion of the licensing responsibility.

We’re more scared of Apple than Google right now.

If Apple’s contracts, or APIs, or actions cause damage to the Application Developer, then Apples total liability to the Application Developer is limited to a maximum of $50.  So, Apple’s downside risk to fight this is $50 per developer and the Application Developer is expected to self-insure for everything remaining.

For some reason, we’ve never noticed that Apple can change its mind on a whim, so we’re sitting here, safe in the knowledge that Apple’s legal team won’t back its devs. Phew! There is no way in which this can go wrong at all.

What Apple marketing is selling, and, in this case, what Apple Legal really has to offer, are not aligned.

Also, Apple’s departments never talk to each other, so we’re totally safe here.

Apple marketing is selling you on the idea that they have what you need and it is yours and you are covered free and clear. Apple legal doesn’t have those rights to offer, and they absolve themselves of all responsibility in your agreement and they have offered you nothing, no license, no indemnification, no obligation to defend you, they offer nothing other than the $50 and no clear way to even get that.

And, luckily, there’s absolutely no way of Apple updating its terms, ever. Again: phew!

For many people, it is easier to call Lodsys and other rights holders names for trying to be compensated for their rights, within a system that is established and known, than it is to consider one’s own responsibility, or the promises and motivations of the platform provider.

We think it’s wrong that if you were, say, an indie band selling CDs through a massive record store, relying on their sales mechanism being legal, you should assume that’s where your responsibility ends. You should really be looking into all aspects of the law, including every patent that relates to your business, before you do anything at all. That is responsibility, sucker.

On May 22nd, Apple’s chief lawyer Bruce Sewell unequivocally announced that Apple’s license to the Lodsys patents gave Apple’s 3rd party developers complete and “undisputable” freedom to use the covered inventions without paying royalties or fearing lawsuits. There was a very positive reaction in the press and blogs.  Apple appeared to give the Developer community what they wanted. Unfortunately for Developers, Apple’s claim of infallibility has no discernable basis in law or fact.

We’re going to kick Apple’s arse in court.

The letter was very surprising as Apple and Lodsys were in confidential discussions and there was clearly disagreement on the interpretation of the license terms of Apple’s agreement.

Even though we were pretty sure Apple wasn’t going to do anything.

Before, during and after these interactions, Lodsys has carefully considered this issue and consulted several legal experts to consider Apple’s claims.

Because, unlike Apple, we have the law on our side! And the law is never open to interpretation!

We stand firm and restate our previous position that it is the 3rd party Developers that are responsible for the infringement of Lodsys’ patents and they are responsible for securing the rights for their applications.

But, really, this isn’t about Apple. Let’s forget Apple.

Developers relying on Apple’s letter do so to their own detriment and are strongly urged to review Apple’s own developer agreements to determine the true extent of Apple’s responsibilities to them.

Really. Forget Apple. Apple who? No idea. Those devs, though, who can’t fight back, because they can’t afford an expensive court case? Remember them, because we’re going to screw them as much as possible, opening the floodgates for more idiots to do precisely the same. Luckily, because everyone’s forgotten Apple, there’s no-one there to defend the devs. Phew!

There really is nothing that can go wrong here for us.