On CIO, Dell’s global head of marketing, Andy Lark, puts his foot in his mouth and keeps kicking until he’s a gummy exec with a mouth full of shards:

I couldn’t be happier that Apple has created a market and built up enthusiasm

“We didn’t have a clue how to do tablets, but we’re glad Apple’s made something we can rip off in a half-hearted and sub-optimal manner!”

but longer term, open, capable and affordable will win, not closed, high price and proprietary

“I’ve never used an iPad, nor looked at iPad price-tags and compared them to the usually more expensive competition. So now I sound like an idiot! OOPS!”

[Apple has] done a really nice job, they’ve got a great product, but the challenge they’ve got is that already Android is outpacing them.

“I read something about Android winning the smartphone battle somewhere on the internet. Smartphones are tablets, right?”

Apple is great if you’ve got a lot of money and live on an island.

“Like the island of crazy IN MY MIND!”

It’s not so great if you have to exist in a diverse, open, connected enterprise; simple things become quite complex.

“Dell, as you know, is great at making simple things quite complex! … What? What do you mean I wasn’t supposed to say that?”

We’ve taken a very considered approach to tablets, given that the vast majority of our business isn’t in the consumer space

“I hate Steve Jobs. I kick iMacs to death for fun. Also, I have no idea how to win over consumers.”

[A company] like Samsung has to aggressively go after their business, but we’ve got a far more diversified footprint than some of these players.

“We have no idea how to focus. In fact, we have no idea what we’re doing regarding tablets.”

An iPad with a keyboard, a mouse and a case [means] you’ll be at $1500 or $1600

“Especially if the case is made from solid gold and tiger fur, but then I’ve been reliably informed that’s the case for all Apple cases. And, no, I’m not going to explain my reasoning in saying you’d need to buy a mouse for a touchscreen tablet, nor how the hell I managed to get to $1600 when the most expensive iPad 2 is $829. Look, just leave me alone!”

Our strategy is multi-OS. We will do Windows 7 coupled with Android Honeycomb, and we’re really excited. We think that giving people that choice is very important.

“We think we can mate a turtle and a monkey and get a unicorn.”

Seriously, Facebook, what the steaming shitting fuck were you thinking when you enabled Enter to post a comment on your website? While the entire human race is hardly properly versed in the absolute correct manner in which to use paragraphs, people know that hitting Enter (or Return, depending on your operating system’s key layout) gives you a carriage return. This has been the way since typewriters, you absolute buffoons.

But no. Facebook’s decided that it’s a bit much effort for people to write a post and then—shock!—have to confirm they want it posted by clicking or tapping a post button. Now, Enter does that job. Brilliant! This won’t at all lead to:

• millions of users posting in error, deleting, rewriting and then posting again;
• lots of people wondering where the hell the post button has gone and thinking Facebook is broken;
• a lack of nicely formatted long posts, since no-one will know how to create paragraphs.

“Aha,” says Facebook’s simpleton UI designer, “I’ve got that covered. Just use Shift and Enter!” It’s at this point that I’m glad said designer isn’t in the room, because I would not be responsible for my actions. Shift and Enter for a carriage return? Wow, that’s discoverable, you cretinous pea-brained halfwits. What next? Will we have to hold Control and Shift to get a capital letter, because Shift and a letter on its own will delete your privacy settings? How about Shift and Backspace to delete something, because Backspace on its own will remove your entire account?

In short: GAH.

Amazon’s just unveiled its Cloud Drive, including a Cloud Player, enabling you to upload your music and then play audio across PCs, Macs and Android-based smartphones. This is massive and the sort of thing people were hoping Google and Apple would do, but Amazon’s got there first.

This also means Amazon’s the first to test the murky legal situation of back-ups. In the UK, fair-use laws barely exist. The 1988 Copyright, Designs and Patents Act in theory enables you to make a copy of software and games, although it’s in part been superseded by the Copyright And Rights Regulations act, which stamps all over the prior law by making it illegal to exercise your rights should you circumvent copyright protection technology.

In music, things aren’t any clearer. There’s a general misunderstanding in the UK that it’s fine to make copies of music you legally own; in the old days, that meant transferring vinyl to cassette for your Walkman, and now that means ripping CDs to a PC or Mac, or (technically) making copies of digital audio files by placing them on an audio player or smartphone. Interestingly, the BPI (the UK equivalent of the RIAA), while generally taking a typically hardline stance towards filesharers (ZeroPaid), announced in 2006 that it would refrain from suing people making copies of purchased music for their personal use (Macworld). BPI chairman Peter Jamieson said:

Traditionally the recording industry has turned a blind eye to private copying and has used the strength of the law to pursue commercial pirates.

We believe that we now need to make a clear and public distinction between copying for your own use and copying for dissemination to third parties and make it unequivocally clear to the consumer that if they copy their CDs for their own private use in order to move the music from format to format we will not pursue them.

This is an eminently sensible decision, of course, but, importantly, it is at odds with UK law. Therefore, while Jamieson once said this, there’s nothing to stop the BPI changing its mind, being overruled by another party, or from some other organisation (such as a record label) suing you for ripping your CDs.

Naturally, then, this also means Amazon’s in the same position. According to the Guardian, Amazon claims it can circumvent rights legislation by claiming its online storage is the equivalent of an external hard drive. Craig Pape, director of music at Amazon, said:

We don’t need a license to store music. The functionality is the same as an external hard drive.

But note who (or rather what) that quote is referencing: Amazon. In other words, Amazon is indemnifying itself and putting sole responsibility for rights issues on to the user. Now, this is fine, because it’s the same as any other online service, but in this case Amazon is suggesting to users that they use Cloud Player for their music. In effect, Amazon is directly tempting people to break the law, but noting that it won’t be liable for any comeback.

I’m wondering how record companies will react. If they’re smart, they won’t care, since Amazon’s offering is a step up from the likes of Spotify in encouraging you to upload content, which you may have bought legally in some format. Most importantly, I’m also wondering how the law will react, because if Amazon’s service says anything, it’s that the UK desperately needs fair-use (i.e. copying of media—across formats, if necessary—for personal use) utterly enshrined in law.

I hate iTunes. It’s reasonable as a digital jukebox, but it sucks big-time for dealing with iOS devices, with nasty file management and terrible app management. But Apple gets one thing right with iTunes: if a new iOS upgrade is available, you plug your device in and upgrade, regardless of where you are in the world.

Compare and contrast with Microsoft’s Windows Phone Where’s my phone upgrade? page:

First, look up your mobile operator on the table. Then check to see what stage the update process is in.

Sounds great and not at all far more complicated than it needs to be.

Hat tip: Matt Gemmell.

As we all know, Charlie Brooker Is Right About Everything (YouTube), but he’s especially right about Rebecca Black’s Friday (YouTube) in his Guardian op-ed How to tweet bile without alienating people. Or making 13-year-old girls cry. If you’ve missed the story, a 13-year-old’s parents paid for her to make a vanity pop song and video, which became a YouTube hit and attracted the kind of bile and hatred usually reserved for mass murderers and idiots who don’t indicate on roundabouts. (Seriously, those orange lights aren’t fucking decoration, drivers.)

Having never listened to the track before, I just popped over to YouTube and, once the Flash plug-in deigned to play the video, watched and listened to the whole thing. What I found was a run-of-the-mill pop song with vapid lyrics and pretty horrible auto-tune on the vocals. What I didn’t find, crucially, was:

• Anything that prompted any kind of outpouring of hate;
• A song any worse than plenty of crap that regularly climbs the pop charts;
• Something any worse than the kind of songs I used to write when I was 13, bar the lyrics. (Although, to be fair, it wasn’t written by Black, but by Clarence Jey and Patrice Wilson, who I’m guessing are somewhat older than 13.)

But the online response has been utterly shocking, and shows how idiots use the internet to insult, bully and harass, while hiding behind pseudonyms. (That even happens on this blog, where people regularly leave comments saying what a total arsehole they think I am, and then sign off with a name like lolcakes—how brave!) What’s particularly great about the Rebecca Black incident is that the hate has resulted in press, and the press has resulted in the song being propelled up the charts. Being level-headed, Black has made a pile of cash that she’s subsequently donated to the Japan relief efforts. One wonders how many of the dickheads slagging her off on the internet have donated.

Even if you only have 140 characters to play with on Twitter, the important thing is to be constructive; just telling someone to die in a fire makes you about one step up from a cauliflower in the awareness ladder. Or, as Brooker rather brilliantly puts it in the aforementioned Guardian article:

In summary: bitch all you like. Just don’t be a dick about it. Poise, people. Poise.