So you’ve got yourself a shiny new iPhone 4S and you want to immerse yourself in the world of iOS gaming. What should you buy? Dozens of sites will be banging on about the latest SHINY SHINY for the device (read: pretty graphics, gameplay a little like eating chalk), or, with an alarming lack of imagination, suggest you buy Angry sodding Birds, Angry sodding Birds Film Tie-In and Angry sodding Birds Slightly Different Because Rovio Was Fed-Up Giving Chillingo Money, and semi-randomly fire miffed avians at spherical green pigs until your eyes glaze over. Me? I have a slightly more alternative take on the best iOS games, so here’s my quickfire selection of what you should buy—and why:
Axe in Face
As a horticulturally obsessed Viking, you must defend your daffodils against uncaring foes. Imagine Flight Control merged with Plants vs. Zombies, with a bit of Pythonesque humour, and you’re there. It’s short, but very sweet.
Beyond Ynth
You’re a bug with a plan: get to the other end of each level. That’d be easy if each level wasn’t full of boxes that you need to carefully flip and manipulate to get anywhere. Part puzzle-game, part platformer, but all really good, challenging fun.
Bit Pilot
The best of the avoid ’em ups. For some reason, an idiot pilot’s strayed into an enclosed area of space with a worrying number of asteroids. Your task is to keep him alive for as long as possible before his inevitable death. Lovely retro graphics and crunchy chip tunes enhance the addictive gameplay.
Bubble Pets
This one’s a demented retro-themed Whac-a-Mole game. The chunky visuals are great and the game is both furiously demanding and very playable.
Dark Nebula — Episode 2
There are tons of tilt-based labyrinth games on iOS, but this one betters them all. The game is beautiful (despite its lack of Retina graphics), with an imaginative mix of pulp sci-fi and organic forms. The controls are perfectly balanced. The best thing, though, is that each level brings new challenges, forcing you to adapt to new foes and environments. The original Dark Nebula is also very much worth a look.
Drop7
A proper puzzle game, designed to make you think (versus, say, ‘fling things at things’ or ‘drop moving stuff into a well’). The concept is simple: drop numbered discs into a grid, knowing a disc explodes when its number matches the number of discs in its row and/or column. It’s all about thinking ahead and chain reactions, and while the game is unpolished, it’s totally engaging.
Dungeon Raid
A hugely addictive mash-up of path-based match gaming, strategy and basic RPG overtones. If you’re a fan of Puzzle Quest, this is similar but better and far more focussed.
Eliss
This one’s a bit divisive, but I love it. The game is entirely dependent on superb multi-touch controls, tasking you with splitting, joining and trashing planets. It’s tough, and each level requires a unique approach, but if it clicks, you’ll find it one of the best titles on the platform.
Flight Control
The original path-drawing game, where you drag aircraft in to land on like-coloured landing strips. It’s also still one of the best in the genre, due to its mix of balanced gameplay, polished graphics and well-designed maps.
Forget-Me-Not
Hugely addictive mash-up of Pac-Man, Rogue and a number of other retro-style arcade games. The aim is to eat flowers, grab a key and make it to the exit, but myriad enemies think otherwise. The entire game’s a free-for-all, where the monsters aren’t out to get you, but to get everything. Later levels therefore turn into a chaotic battle for survival, making even the toughest Pac-Man mazes appear placid by comparison. Three game modes add further value.
Goat Up
My favourite of the iOS vertical platformers (read: games like Doodle Jump). Here, you’re a goat, aiming to survive in a relentlessly scrolling world comprising nightmarish retro game scenarios. Here, Miner Willy duffs up goats. Chilling. Get your own back by ‘kissing’ male goats, eating grass and having multicoloured kids, a string of which acts like a whip to take down foes. And, yes, this is an odd game, but it’s by Llamasoft, so what did you expect?
Grim Joggers
Endless running and jumping game Canabalt was a big hit on the web and iOS, but this one’s better. It’s a similar game, but you instead control a string of 15 joggers through perilous landscapes (War! Aliens! Polar bears!). Loads of humour and replay value.
Helsing’s Fire
A neat puzzle game with a unique approach, having you use dynamic light and shadow to destroy spooky creatures with potions. The main story mode is enlivened further by Hellboy-style comic cut-scenes.
iBlast Moki 2
Mokis are lazy sods, but, handily, are also bomb-proof. Your aim: use a small selection of bombs to get the Mokis to each level’s exit. Initially, this is pretty simple, but you soon end up building crazy contraptions, such as steampunk rubber-duck-piloted wooden bikes. And, yes, you read that right.
Infinity Blade
This one is my biggest concession to SHINY SHINY in this list, since the game is gorgeous. You play as a knight aiming to take down a tyrant. The game itself is virtual swordplay that’s a bit like Punch-Out!! crossed with Soul Calibur. The RPG-style levelling up is a bit grind-oriented, but this is always a good game for a quick quest.
Joining Hands
An adorable and original puzzle game where you link multi-armed creatures, so they can avoid being devoured by a bogeyman. When you win, the creatures all jump for joy and unlink, at which point they’re presumably devoured, the idiots.
Karoshi
This amusingly twisted single-screen platform/puzzle game had me hooked until I finally managed to crack it. Some of the levels, all of which have you kill a depressed salaryman, are sadistic, requiring some seriously lateral thinking. The WarioWare-style minigame (Live! Kill yourself!) is also great.
Magnetic Billiards
More or less ‘reverse billiards’. The aim here is to spang magnetic balls around a table, aiming to link as few like-coloured ones each turn as possible. The more shots, bounces and close shaves you get, the higher your score. Original and compelling stuff.
Master of Gomoku
A great take on connect-five, with plenty of options and a decent AI opponent for if you have no friends.
Monsters Ate My Condo
Sort-of Jenga meets match-three chaining, smashed into dazzling and bonkers Japanese-style cartoons. Will possibly break your brain.
Mos Speedrun
Platform games don’t work on iOS, I’m told. That probably comes as news to this game, which is like a mini time-attack Mario. Collect coins, don’t die and get to the end. A ‘badge’ system rewards repeat plays, with you getting one each for completing a level within the tight time limit, collecting all the coins, finding a hidden skull, and just for getting to the end.
Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit
A surprising number of racing games on iOS are po-faced and demand tedious grinding through boring races. This one is like arcade racers of old: fast, fun and flashy. You get head-to-head battles, Chase H.Q.-style car-smashing, and can play as the fuzz or a nasty crim.
Orbital
Very pretty one-thumb precision shooter where you shoot expanding balls and aim to make huge chain reactions.
Osmos
Like Eliss, Osmos seems perfectly suited to iOS, although it’s a bit more forgiving (at least initially); it’s also a unique, beautiful physics-based arcade game, where your aim is to grow your ‘mote’ by having it eat smaller motes. Levels seem to switch from microscopic combat to battles on a galactic scale, and the controls, visuals and concept are nigh-on perfect.
Par Out Golf
This isn’t really golf—it’s instead one of the few games to do something really interesting with the path-drawing concept Flight Control introduced. You get a bunch of top-down courses and must draw a route to the hole. The problem: as soon as you touch the screen, clouds swoop in, forcing you to carefully remember where the hazards are.
Pinball HD for iPhone
Three great feature-packed pinball tables with multiple viewpoints. Spang!
Quarrel Deluxe
More or less what would happen if Risk and Scrabble snuck off for a fling and later had a kid with a boatload more character than either parent. Play as mini ninjas, spacemen and other cute avatars, taking down opponents by making words out of an odd jumble of letters.
Saucelifter
A beautiful, challenging Choplifter variant that amusingly subverts the genre. Here, the humans are the evil ones and have captured your alien chums—it’s your job to reduce them, without blowing too many of your pals to bits.
Sheep Goes Left
This amusing and challenging arcade game stars a sheep who likes going left. Unfortunately for him, left involves dozens of screens that feature objects that impale sheep. Clearly, he should have gone right.
Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing
Kart racing on iOS is a surprisingly dreadful experience much of the time. That’s why I was so surprised Sega got this game right. There are two seriously duff tracks, but everything else is great: controls, graphics, courses, AI. It’s not quite MarioKart good, but it’s close.
Space Invaders Infinity Gene
Space Invaders evolved, with more than a hint of Rez. The game starts off as the late-1970s classic, but rapidly flings itself through the history of the genre, eventually pitting you against vector-based bullet-hell. Essential.
Strategery
Marvellous streamlined take on Risk. The computer AI is initially challenging, but the real win is the asynchronous multiplayer mode. Probably my favourite iOS game of all. (I’m ‘craiggrannell’ if you fancy a battle.)
Super Stickman Golf
Another not-golf game—this one’s side-on mini-golf on oddball courses, and it plays a lot like an artillery game. Some of the courses are insanely difficult to complete on par, but mercifully there’s an in-app purchase ‘whole game’ unlock.
Tappi Bear All in 1
Eight simple mini-games, featuring a cartoon bear with dead eyes. If you can deal with that, you’ll have lots of fun flinging doughnuts at ninjas, saving chicks from evil bears, and, er, doing a dance workout.
Trainyard
Utterly chuffing fantastic puzzle game. The basics: direct trains to like-coloured stations. The problems: rocks, colour-mixing demands, not enough room. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s the best puzzle game on the system and a bargain. Buy it or I don’t want to talk to you.
World of Goo HD
It’s certainly not an iOS exclusive, but World of Goo works better on the touchscreen than on a PC or Wii. The Goo world is beautiful and surreal, the game, tasking you with getting Goo balls to Goo Heaven by way of building structures, is engaging and engrossing, full of heart and humour.
ZOOKEEPER DX
The best match game on the DS comes to iOS and it’s even better than the original. Probably best avoided if you don’t want to lose your entire life to dealing with blocky animals and a mental zoo owner.
So, there you go. 37 games, which, if I’ve done my sums right will set you back £54.13 (or $79.63, or some other amount of money if you’re not in the UK or US). And yet every one of these titles has given me many hours of first-rate gaming, which is why I keep banging on about iOS being a fantastic and high-value platform for gaming. But, you know, carry on buying 50-quid epic 3D disappointments on other systems if you want to. *grumble*
ANYWAY, for more iOS gaming stuff from me, follow @iphonetiny on Twitter and check out my games reviews in Tap! magazine. And if you’ve any recommendations for top iOS games that I’ve not covered, please comment!