If you’ve watched or read the news over the past few days, the antics of Jonathan Ross and unfunny man Russell Brand can’t have escaped your notice. Having left some fairly insulting and immature messages on former famous person Andrew Sachs’s answer machine regarding Brand’s relationship with Sachs’s granddaughter, and had said messages broadcast, Brand has now quit the BBC and Ross has been suspended for three months (which, annoyingly, means no more Film in 2008).

I’m not going to defend the pair’s actions, nor those of the person responsible for okaying the transmission of the segment, but this entire farce does highlight the very worst of the United Kingdom, in terms of reporting and ‘sheep’ mentality.

Prior to the tabloids getting in a mouth-frothing frenzy about the incident, there had been two complaints, and those were about Ross’s language. Now, there are thousands, presumably composed by people whipped into apoplectic fury by something they didn’t even hear or experience. And the reporting on the subject has been uniformly dreadful. Do people realise this entire episode was sparked by Sachs being a no-show for an interview? Are people aware the show’s producer rang Sachs for permission to air the clip? (Sachs claims the line was ‘bad’, which led to ‘confusion’ regarding what was being asked.) Doubtful, judging by the hate and bile spewing from most people’s mouths.

However, the thing that galls me most about this incident (well, bar the fact that one of my favourite shows is now dead for the year) is that it totally confirms how alive and well the cult of celebrity is in this country. It’s pretty obvious that had Ross and Brand ‘targeted’ a general member of the public, not even a peep of outcry would have happened. And as for Sachs’ granddaughter, Georgina ‘Voluptua’ Baillie, to protect her grandfather’s privacy she got Max Clifford on board to sell her story in an exclusive to the Sun. After all, what better way to protect someone’s privacy and minimise their humiliation than to talk about what happened to them in an interview for the UK’s top-selling newspaper? (Of course, this would have nothing to do with her being an ‘aspiring model’ and a member of the oddly named dance troupe Satanic Sluts, which could, presumably, do with a bit of publicity.)

So, it’s really business as usual. All-comers are lining up to rant, using the incident as an excuse to give the BBC a good kicking. A nobody who wants to be a somebody is whoring themselves out under the premise of being a poor widdle victim. And energy is being spent on something so appallingly pointless, when it could be put to far better use. For example, if those many thousands of people had spent their time conversing with their MP about issues that actually affect the country, rather than bitching about a radio show, our politicians might actually feel accountable for once.

And talking of politicians, Gordon Brown should be thoroughly ashamed for his part in this. You’d think with Britain’s economy getting smashed to pieces that he’d have more important things to deal with than a couple of middle-of-the-road presenters taking the piss out of an ex-comedy star and his fame-hungry granddaughter. Still, way to distract the population, Mr. Prime Minister. Maybe you can get Ross or Brand to make another faux-pas just before the next election!

Before you make me punch you repeatedly in the face

1. US prices do not show taxes, but British ones do

Bitch, whine, moan. That pretty much sums up what spews out of many British mouths when comparing prices in the UK and USA. In some cases, our American chums do get it better, but often they don’t—it’s just British people being stupid.

Case in point: the new Apple MacBook line. “Wah wah wah,” have gone lots of Brits, in a Kevin-the-teenager-style emo tantrum, moaning how it’s so unfair that a $999 laptop in the USA costs £719 in Britain.

Here’s the thing: US prices are shown without taxes. Therefore, you have to compare with Britain’s ex-VAT rate. At the time of writing, the US price is about £575, meaning the UK price is a full 37 quid more. And given how much Sterling’s getting kicked on the markets right now, Apple’s actually been pretty good with its ‘internal’ exchange rate and built-in cushion.

So, for all you people bullsh*tting about how you can “fly over to the US and get a laptop and still have change for munchies”, just try it. See how far you get with your 37 quid. You’ll probably be dropped out of the plane before you get past Ireland.

2. Rinse and repeat

Go back and read point 1 until you actually understand it, and then stop whining about how expensive items are in the UK unless they actually cost significantly more (Hello, Adobe CS4!)

These aren’t tears of joy—they’re tears of pain

1. Refresh your material

Yes, your material is clearly the funniest thing known to man, and it bears repeating to everyone on the face of the planet, including undiscovered tribes in the deepest, darkest reaches of the jungle. But here’s the thing: when I’ve already paid to see you live last year, in an entirely different tour, and you come on stage, mentioning that you were part of the last tour and are lucky enough to be included in this one, it’s probably best to actually have something new to say.

This might surprise you, but while repeats are bad enough on television, they’re far more annoying than a billion Janet Street Porters when you’ve paid 20 quid per ticket to watch a word-for-word regurgitation of a year-old act.

2. Adapt your material with care

I know I’m probably being ungrateful here, and that you should in fact be able to go on stage, play a tape recording of your act, and just read the paper and drink beer in front of me, but what I’d actually like to see is something unique and original. When you clearly have in your canned script ‘insert current location here’, it makes me want to insert something into you, like a really sharp stick into a nervous-looking eye.

To take an example—entirely at random, obviously—if a certain support act were to happen upon an Aldershot venue and try to do jokes about the town, don’t fire off the exact same jokes with the same generic information that you used a year ago when doing the exact same act in a totally different venue a number of miles away. It just makes you look like a lazy git—and, frankly, if you can’t come up with some new material for a 25-minute support act during an entire year, I think those dreams of playing Wembley Arena should be shot to pieces right now.

3. Refresh your material

Yes, your material is clearly the funniest thing known to man, and it bears repeating to everyone on the face of the planet, including undiscovered tribes in the deepest, darkest reaches of the jungle. But here’s the thing: when I’ve already paid to see you live last year, in an entirely different tour, and you come on stage, mentioning that you were part of the last tour and are lucky enough to be included in this one, it’s probably best to actually have something new to say.

This might surprise you, but while repeats are bad enough on television, they’re far more annoying than a billion Janet Street Porters when you’ve paid 20 quid per ticket to watch a word-for-word regurgitation of a year-old act.

Decidedly Sound investment or Dreary Stupid idea?

Yesterday evening in Japan-o-time, Nintendo announced the DSi, the next iteration of the Nintendo DS. With the DS being the console that changed the gaming landscape, paving the way for the family-friendly Wii, and having sold in huge numbers, any change is clearly dangerous.

Nintendo runs the risk of a drop-off in sales with people waiting for the DSi, or people being underwhelmed by the hardware specification, and therefore getting tempted by something more powerful, or more open (like the Pandora).

There’s no word regarding whether the DSi will support non-stupid router security, but here are my thoughts on the announced features, in patented* ‘hurrah’ (good) and ‘hurroo’ (not good) format:

* Not patented.

Bigger screens

The screens are apparently 17 per cent bigger than the ones on the DS Lite, meaning 17 per cent less squinting, but they appear to be the same resolution, retaining compatibility. Although some muppets are reporting both screens are now touchscreens, they aren’t—only the bottom one is, but again this is good from a compatibility standpoint. Hurrah!

No GBA slot

We all knew this was coming, surely? However, this presents a double-whammy, and a triple whammy if you go ‘yarrrr’ a lot. No GBA slot means no GBA games (which means no Rhythm Tengoku), but it also means games that utilise the GBA slot for expansions are scuppered. This also means anyone making use of a 3-in-1 for playing loads of naughty GBA titles on their DS is stuffed. Hurroo.

In fact, no GBA at all

With the GBA slot gone, so is the GBA hardware, bringing to an end the original Game Boy line entirely. This makes us sad. Not as sad as if our puppy died, but about as sad as if our PVR missed off the last three minutes of QI. Hurroo.

SD slot

This sort of replaces the GBA slot. And there are all sorts of exciting things you can do with an SD card, right? (Spoiler: ‘yes’ is the right answer—see below). Hurrah!

Built-in cameras

The big black dot on the front of the DSi isn’t a skin condition (sorry, beauty spot)—it’s a magical camera hole! This would have enabled your DS to take the place of a digital camera, if only Nintendo hadn’t kicked itself in the face with the resolution. Think iPhone’s camera’s bad? Wait until you get a load of the DSi cameras, both of which are 640 by 480 resolution (0.3 megapixel). Yes, that’s not a typo—the DSi’s cameras will be on a par with those from a really rubbish mobile phone.

The photos will be editable using the stylus, presumably dumpable on to the SD card, and high-res would have been somewhat tricky to deal with, but I can’t help but feel a little short-changed here. Hurroo.

DSiWare

This one’s the biggie. The DS is currently the odd console out, lacking downloadable games content, but that’s all about to change. DSiWare will bring to the DSi a range of titles between no money and about seven quid in cost terms.

What these games will be is unclear, but I suspect Game Boy releases are on the cards. However, emulation software for the DS via the naughty internet shows that while the GBA is out of reach, the system can definitely run NES, Spectrum, 8-bit Sega and even Neo-Geo titles without stumbling, and so here’s hoping for some serious variety. Hurrah!

Opera

The browser’s now built in to the firmware (which we just bet also has some nifty way of blocking R4s and similar cards), and so it’s free. That is all! Hurrah! (Apart from the R4 speculation, obv.)

Release date

The Japanese will get their hands on the DSi, priced at about 100 quid, in under a month. November the 1st is the happy-time date. With us being a worldwide economy, that means a simultaneous worldwide release, right? Wrong. Nintendo has set their Mug-o-tron to ‘high’, and will milk the UK for one last Christmas, before unleashing the DSi in Europe next year. “We’re aiming to launch DSi in Europe in Spring 2009,” said Nintendo. Translation: “We’re aiming to get idiots to buy a DS this Christmas, and then a DSi in March. Mwahahahahaha!”

Don’t be an idiot, readers. Make Nintendo suffer for taking the piss out of you. Not so much a ‘hurroo’ as a MAJOR FAIL.

Overall, this announcement rates fairly highly on the game-o-scale. It’s not a Rhythm Tengoku of goodness, but more like a Zoo Keeper where you’re forced to play Quest Mode against your wishes every 40 minutes.

Hop to it!

As if bomb squads don’t have a hard enough time, Jumpman is tasked in this platform game with defusing bombs in Jupiter Headquarters, a place that clearly needs a serious heath and safety check. Precarious platforms and all manner of hazards await our athletic chum in this dated, playable and frequently frustrating platform game.

With Jumpman originally arriving on 8-bit computers in the early 1980s, it’s not much to look at, and the sound is guff, but designer Randy Glover had a wicked sense of humour and a real sense for level design. Therefore, each of the 30 levels brings its own set of dangers, such as ledges that vanish once you defuse a bomb, UFOs that dart around the screen, and manic robots hell-bent on killing you in the face. Also, when you inevitably come a cropper and tumble down the platforms to your untimely demise (and a jolly, slightly sarcastic rendition of the death march), you still defuse bombs that you bump into and can therefore sometimes complete a level during your dying moments, which is a nice touch.

Aside from poor aesthetics, niggles with Jumpman largely relate to some screens being absurdly difficult and controls being twitchy on the faster levels. However, if you can put yourself in the mind of a 1980s gamer—it was a time when gamers were real men: hardcore, but with mullets—you’ll find Jumpman a compelling, challenging, and occasionally maddening game.

Jumpman is available now for 500 Wii points (about £3.50). It’s tough, so wimpy gamers need not apply. Mullets, however, are optional.