I work hard. I just thought I’d put that out there, in case you thought a freelance lifestyle mainly involved lying around in my pants until about 4pm and then furiously typing out any old shit and filing it at about 4:15, just in time to catch whatever exciting children’s shows are on the tele. That’s why I increasingly despair about the level of absolute garbage churned out by the press, on sites that should know better. It seems these days I’m doing it wrong. Instead of bothering with trifling matters such as research, and engaging my brain, I should just be thinking “What’s the most stupid, inane Apple-related article I could get away with writing?” and pitch that to the editors at Forbes. I’d have to give up any vestige of integrity, but I could crank out such articles in my sleep, thereby enabling me to indeed shift towards that freelance ideal of lounging about and watching cartoons.

Forbes’s latest is Why Apple Should Hang-up On The iPhone, iWear Is Next, by contributor Richard Saintvilus. His own strapline appears to have a typo in it, spelling “I write total garbage about Apple” as “I provide news, analysis, and actionable investing ideas”. You’d think a sub might have caught that. Mind you, any sub worth their weight would have just drawn a red line through the entire piece and yelled at Saintvilus, unless, of course, Forbes only wants to bang the trolling drum these days.

Evidence for said drummage is pretty high. Saintvilus essentially argues Apple’s doomed (as ever), and rather bizarrely says

Apple now finds itself in an unfamiliar territory – having to prove itself.

Because, clearly, Apple hasn’t had to continually “prove itself” to the press before, even when making enough money for the executive board to use for building a new solid gold house every month or so. But what really makes the article stupid was hinted at in the headline and subsequently argued like this:

However, for the company to truly move forward as a tech power, Apple should hang-up on the iPhone after one more iteration – presumably the iPhone 6.

Apple has in the past had no problems in cannibalising its own markets in order to propel itself forward with the next big thing. For example, iPod sales continue to fall (although, as analysts regularly fail to note, iPods still bring in a pile of cash), but Apple has the iPhone to counter that. The thing is, the iPhone is by far Apple’s biggest revenue stream, and so if Tim Cook went crazy one day and cancelled the line, Apple would have to have something monumentally amazing to take over—something every single person in the world would immediately clamour for. Tell us, Saintvilus, what should that thing be?

Instead, Apple needs to focus on its TV ambitions, which I’ve said should include the Facebook “like” button.

I think I must have misread that. I thought you said Apple should ditch the iPhone in order to release a television with an integrated Facebook ‘like’ button. *rubs eyes*

Instead, Apple needs to focus on its TV ambitions, which I’ve said should include the Facebook “like” button.

Oh.

But Saintvilus is smarter than to suggest Apple should pin all its hopes on one product should it ditch the iPhone. Instead, he suggests:

“It’s time” for the iWatch or its iWear line of devices.

If the thought of Apple ditching its smartphone for a watch wasn’t enough to make you goggle-eyed, Saintvilus helpfully added that little pun. I hope you enjoyed it. He finishes with:

And for Apple, this will be the answer to that chronic “what’s next” question. And the company will finally be able to put to rest that other annoying question – can it still innovate?

The answer, sadly, being “no” if it follows Saintvilus’s advice, which isn’t quite what he was going for.