Largely thanks to the recent WSJ story, the tech press has merrily been reporting that Apple has slashed iPhone 5 component orders, despite having literally no proof and a source known as Mr Familiar With The Matter (strange name, that). Apple’s share price has since tanked, and countless media organisations have copied and pasted bits of previous Apple articles they’ve published that include phrases such as “lost its edge” and “under threat from Android” and “we really don’t know what we’re talking about—man, we sure hope no-one notices”.

Next week, Apple will talk about its financials for the past quarter, which includes the festive season. Even with Apple’s problems during that time (late iMac shipments, relatively limited iPad mini and iPhone availability), you’d have to be an idiot to not predict Apple’s going to have a monster quarter. However, you’d merely need to be an analyst to argue Apple’s going to sell significantly more kit than its guidance went near (which is what’s now happening), and be hugely bullish about the iPhone 5 in the face of the WSJ story (which is also what’s now happening), leading to the tech press to, you’ve guessed it, also be bullish about the iPhone 5.

So the iPhone 5 is Schrödinger’s iPhone. It exists in two states at once: total disaster, failing under the mighty onslaught of Android device sales that no-one really qualifies because sales figures are never released, and massive success story. The first of those tanks Apple’s shares in the present; the latter potentially tanks Apple’s shares next week, when it’ll turn out the company’s massive profits won’t match made-up figures from analysts, and will therefore be called ‘disappointing’.

Because of this, let’s all demand a new rule from the tech press. Before reporting on any stories based on ‘sources’ (unnamed, naturally) or ‘analysts’ (unharmed, unfortunately) or ‘made-up bullshit’ (unacceptable, obviously), the following should be added:

THIS ARTICLE IS PROBABLY BULLSHIT AND YOU SHOULD IGNORE IT. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

That at least would stop people worrying about a problem that doesn’t exist, and free up space for technology stories that actually matter.