My latest piece for Stuff.tv:

Every detail of the six-year-old OS’ aesthetics and interaction has been overhauled. Initial responses have been mixed and frequently subjective, but people often react poorly to change. So, what’s the truth? Are the major criticisms just knee-jerk noise, or is Apple about to release a mobile dud? Stuff goes in search of expert opinion to find out…

There’s a lot to say about iOS 7 from a design standpoint, but this time I didn’t want to do so myself. The idea with this piece isn’t “yet another op-ed”, but instead talking with interface design experts like Matt Gemmell and Alex Morris, along with pointing at the very best pieces so far written on the web about the subject (including Gemmell’s superb overview).

I hope you enjoy the article.

Good grief. That’s pretty much all I could think while trudging through Jim Lynch’s misogynistic tripe, iOS 7: An Estrogen-Addled Mess Designed for 13 Year Old Girls—no link, due to trollage. To save you the pain of reading (or doing a Google search), here’s the entire piece summed up:

I AM A MAN! A MANLY MAN! GRRRR. Pastels? I SPIT ON PASTELS. Bright colours? BRIGHT COLOURS ARE FOR GIRLS. iOS is therefore for 13-year-old girls. Also: did I mention I AM A MAN? I may mention “cock” and “balls” at this point, just to show how manly I am! Also: women, eh? They’re taking over, just like they’ve taken over iOS 7. Oh, and Tim Cook? MIGHT BE GAY. I know. There’s nowhere for REAL MEN now. REAL MEN LIKE ME. Balls! Cock! GRRRR!

*scrubs self clean*

Perhaps because I’m not a raving loon, nor a sexist arsehole, I didn’t immediately think “iOS 7 is for girls” on watching the demos at WWDC. I did find some of the design a bit unconsidered (but imagine all we’re really seeing here is an iteration of iOS 7, not the final thing) and some of the colours a bit gaudy. But it seemed fresh, fun, and, crucially, something that might appeal more to more mainstream audience and a younger market.

Note that I’m not saying iOS 7 is for kids. Like I noted previously, I’m not a raving loon. However, on seeing iOS 6 and iOS 7 side by side, one looks kind of dated and techie, and the other looks fresh and young. I imagine there’s perhaps a balance between the two that would appeal more to me personally and also to most of the people currently throwing toys out of prams (aside from Lynch—he’s busy EATING BEER CANS and DOING WEIGHTS AT THE GYM and DRIVING A REALLY BIG CAR), but if iOS 7 ends up appealing to more people—and more younger people—that’s hardly going to be a bad thing.

iOS 7 has a new interface, including new icons. Most make sense, but it’s hard to understand what Game Center’s represents until you know the reasoning behind its design, captured in this EXCLUSIVE transcription of audio taken from a microphone hidden in Jony Ive’s white room of despair.

• Ive: Hey, team. So we’ve got another icon to design, for an app called Game Center.
• Team member A: What’s that?
• Team member B: I’ve never heard of it.
• Ive: Me neither. But I checked Wikipedia and it’s been on iOS for years, and so we have to design something for it.
• Team member C: Um, I’ve a question.
• Ive: Sure—go ahead.
• Team member C: Uh, this might sound silly, but… what’s a game?
• Team member A: That’s a good point. I’ve no idea.
• Ive: We need to research what these ‘game’ things are. I know all about ‘center’, but ‘game’ is new to me. It’s very exciting.
• Team member A: You don’t look excited.
• Ive: I always look like this. You know I only have one expression.
• Team member A: Sorry.
• Ive: That’s OK. *mournfuleyes*
• Team member B: Hey, wait a minute. I remember playing a game with my niece, during my annual hour off from Apple.
• Ive: That’s great—what did you do?
• Team member B: She had this liquid and she used it to blow bubbles. She had lots of fun—almost as much fun as we do when we lovingly paw at an iPhone or iPad.
• Ive: Wow. That does sound like fun. So, games are bubbles. Got it. Get to work, team!

Hi, tech hacks!

I know you probably just sat through the WWDC 2013 keynote crying your eyes out at the lack of a new iPad mini with Retina display or an iPhone 6, despite the fact Apple was never going to announce one today. Because you’re now barely able to see your monitor through the tears, I thought I’d help you out. Feel free to copy and paste the following and delete as applicable:

Tim Cook and his fellow Apple executives today proved once again that Apple is doomed without its enigmatic founder Steve Jobs. Although the company showcased iOS 7 and a new version of OS X, there was a distinct lack of innovation. iOS 7 has ‘new’ features and interface elements that already entirely existed in [Windows Phone/Android/BlackBerry/your deranged mind] and is a huge disappointment. The new OS X, ‘Mavericks’ has nothing on [Windows 8/obscure flavour of Linux/a C64 you found in your attic], and it’s hard to see why it was delayed [arbitrary number pulled out of someone’s arse] months.

In terms of hardware, Apple revealed a new Mac Pro, a new Airport Extreme, and a revamped MacBook Air, but the lack of a new iPhone or iPad reeked of desperation. Additionally, while when Steve Jobs was alive, you could expect to see [1/2/5/3 billion] entirely new pieces of hardware revealed at WWDC, today’s Apple didn’t even preview the [Apple television/iWatch/Apple phablet/cheaper iPhone/some other device Gene Munster made up while drunk in a bar and trying to look big].

It’s time for new leadership at Apple. Tim Cook cannot deliver. [Android/Microsoft/BlackBerry/Amstrad] is winning, and there’s nothing Apple can do about it.

As the tech industry continues to reel from revelations surrounding the top-secret PRISM program (Guardian), analysts within the tech industry said the row has yet again showcased that Apple is doomed. “It’s not so much that Apple might have enabled the US government some kind of ‘back door’ into its systems—after all, Google’s accused of doing the same, so that must be a good thing, promoting openness,” said some analyst or other that no-one had ever heard of before today. “The real problem is the whistleblower used PowerPoint, and that’s bad news for Apple. If people are still using PowerPoint, they’re not using Keynote and they’re not using Macs. Ergo, Apple is doomed and Tim Cook should be fired.”

Another analyst had a slightly different take: “Just because the PRISM slideshow was a PowerPoint document, that doesn’t necessarily mean its creator used a PC. PowerPoint exists for the Mac, and it’s also possible to use PowerPoint in a Windows virtual machine on a Mac.” However, rather than end there and plant a common-sense flag in the ground, his analystness took over for the final furlong: “That said, all of those cases nonetheless spell doom for Apple, because they mean people who try to whistleblow on major governments clearly side with Microsoft, even if they’re using Apple computers. It’s like a secret that will at some point explode from them in a flurry of flat design and Windows. On the basis of that proof, I predict Windows Phone marketshare will eclipse iOS by next Thursday at the latest.”

Yet another analyst also pointed to the composition of the now famous ‘Dates When PRISM Collection Began For Each Provider’ slide as further evidence that the Cupertino-based company is doomed: “Just look at it. Logos everywhere. Gaudy colours. Names of companies broken up over two lines. This isn’t the kind of thing you’d ever see from Apple, and it shows the company doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of modern design trends. This year’s all about bright yellow, cramped text and randomly positioned graphics. Rumours are Sir Jony Ive will unveil simpler, sleeker versions of iOS and OS X at WWDC, and he’s therefore going in exactly the wrong direction. It’s time for someone else to take hold of Apple before it’s too late. Ive and Tim Cook should be fired, and Sir Alan Sugar should immediately be installed as Apple CEO. After all, those Amstrads showed he sure knew good design when he saw it.”