As the iPad 3 gears up to smash the industry in the face, the internet is being pelted by articles that say—shock!—the iPad 3 is doomed! It’s rubbish! Its competition is about to nonchalantly zoom past, leaving Apple once again like it was back in the days when it didn’t have a clue.

This is all true. Especially if you ignore the fact that today’s Apple has a clue. And that the iPad has sold more rapidly than anything else Apple has ever released. And the fact competing tablets are selling poorly, bar the Kindle Fire, which is only currently available in the USA. And that everyone and his dog is writing an ‘iPad is actually rubbish’ article, because, clearly, there’s lots of interest about the iPad. BUT LET’S IGNORE ALL THESE THINGS, BECAUSE!

First up today with a slice of crazy: come on down, Eric Zeman for Information Week, with What iPad 3 Really Needs: Revised OS.

Apple’s iOS is starting to get a little long in the tooth. There, I said it. The overall look and feel of the operating system has not changed since its 2007 debut.

Users and developers love it when operating systems change in terms of look and feel all the time. They think it’s just great. And I agree with Zeman: now literally millions of people are familiar with and enjoy using iOS, it’s the perfect time to RAKE IN THE FACE! But, tell us, Zeman, what specifically should Apple do?

What would I like Apple to change? Well, I’m no design guru, but I am sure Apple has enough creative juices to turn out a more visually appealing operating system.

“Make the logo bigger!”

 I’d like to see a sharper-looking operating system, with fewer curves and more corners. Not Windows 8-style corners and blocks, but something that has cleaner lines to it.

“Make it squarer, but not too square! Make the colours more—I don’t know—voguish.” (Every designer, everywhere: HEADDESK!)

The operating system could use some more features, but that will always be true of any platform. Things that iOS lacks that other platforms capitalize on? Widgets, the ability to control files/folders […]

Now that Microsoft has aligned the look of its PC, tablet, and smartphone platforms, it would behoove Apple to do the same.

“Hello? Doc Brown? I’m stuck in 2007, before the iPhone and iPad, when everyone thought an OS X tablet was the best idea ever! I can’t get out, and the DeLorean’s broken down again. HEELLLPPP!”

*zemanmighthavetomarryhismothersadface*

We need a new contestant! Come on down, Roger Cheng for CNET, with iPad rivals catching up: Can iPad 3 keep them at bay?

Apple should be blowing us away with the iPad 3, but it probably won’t.

Bold! Let’s hope you have a really good article that explains why this is the case and won’t just bang out a list of pointless specs that companies are using in a desperate attempt to differentiate their otherwise similar offerings and that consumers don’t care about, yet that tech pundits seem oddly infatuated by!

The latest rumors call for a higher resolution screen on par with the iPhone’s Retina Display, a possible upgrade to the iOS software, and possibly a few other improvements. That’s certainly enough to draw the Apple faithful and sell a ton of iPads.

SUB, PLEASE CHECK: DID APPLE’S 55+ MILLION IPADS ALL GO TO THE ‘APPLE FAITHFUL’?

But with the rapid advances that the competition is making, will it be enough to secure the company’s continued dominance in the tablet business?

SUB, PLEASE CHECK: DID STRAIGHTFORWARD IPAD 2 UPGRADE MAKE IPAD SALES FALL OFF A CLIFF?

So, Roger Cheng, please educate as as to what the iPad lacks, and what Apple should unveil tomorrow!

At first glance, the [Kindle] Fire’s biggest advantage is price. It’s hard to argue with a $200 tablet.

Price! The iPad is too expensive, which explains its lack of sales. *onlytensofmillionssoldsadface*

Sure, the specs aren’t the greatest, and it feels sluggish at times, but it’s not a bad experience for the price.

Everyone likes sub-standard experiences if they are cheaper!

Another key feature is the access to Amazon Prime and its streaming video service. Apple has iTunes, but it doesn’t have its own dedicated service for streaming video for a low flat rate.

Man, if only streaming video apps existed for the iPad.

The Kindle Fire also boasts its own custom Silk Browser, which is supposed to enable faster Web surfing through a cached architecture. It’s debatable whether Silk is that much better.

‘Debatably faster’ is always a good selling point, I find.

The [Asus Transformer] Prime uses Nvidia’s quad-core processor, which on paper means two more cores than the iPad’s dual-core chip

MOAR POWER! Everyone loves specs. Apart from consumers, who really couldn’t give a monkey’s about specs.

But the Prime’s best feature is its detachable keyboard, which makes it a virtual laptop.

Man, if only you could pair an entirely-optional-if-you-really-want-one Bluetooth keyboard with an iPad.

The tablet also has Ice Cream Sandwich, the latest flavor of Android meant to bridge the gap between the smartphone and tablet user interface. Only time will tell if that’s a true advantage.

‘Time will tell if this feature is a true advantage’ is always a good selling point, I find.

Say what you will about the 5-inch Galaxy Note, the [Samsung] Galaxy Note 10.1 is a tablet that makes sense. Its main advantage, like its 5-inch brother, is the S-Pen stylus, which works extremely well on the larger surface.

Man, if only you could get an entirely-optional-if-you-really-want-one stylus for the iPad. And if only people generally had ten styluses attached to the ends of their arms. And if only we weren’t in 2012, instead of the year poor Zeman is stuck in, when a stylus for a tablet still seemed like a pretty neat idea.

Of course, these tablets all have their share of weaknesses as well,

But we’ll subsequently ignore those entirely and won’t address them, because otherwise this article makes no sense.

but that doesn’t take away from the fact these features are ones that iPad users would certainly appreciate,

Every iPad user I’ve ever met has said they want a ‘debatably faster’ browser, features that may or may not be a ‘true advantage’, and an easy-to-lose, pointless stylus!

and indicate that gap between Apple and its rivals isn’t as wide as most people think.

Apart from in terms of sales. And profits. And usage. And quality apps. But none of these things matter if there aren’t enough cores or styluses on stage tomorrow. I HOPE YOU’RE LISTENING, TIM COOK!

An amusing post on the icon update for Magnetic Billiards: Blueprint, a superb iOS physics puzzler. The previous version had a fairly abstract take on the game itself, but now we have one of the beardy programmers staring wild-eyed at those who might buy the game. The slightly less beardy of the two says:

We’ve already seen it described as frightening, terrifying, and the scariest icon on the App Store. Oh well, that’s what happens when I try to draw ‘cute’.

In which case, I look forward to whatever horrors emerge from the Pickford Bros if they ever attempt to craft a loveable and sweet platform game.

Oh dear, International Business Times, with your latest iPhone 5 article, you really are spoiling us. Wasting no time at all, it even screws up with the headline:

New iPhone 5 Release Date: 5 Ways it Will Beat the 4S

Five ways the iPhone 5 release date will beat the 4S? What? Clearly, the article’s not off to a good start, and the publication’s confidence is so low that no-one will take personal responsibility:

By IBTimes Staff Reporter

And so it begins:

As the iPad 3 release date nears, rumors surrounding the next generation iPhone 5 have accelerated

Fuelled by articles such as yours.

A recent report in the Japanese blog Mocotakara, says that Apple will abandon its mid-year iPhone releases and instead switch to a 12-month launch model.

“Apple will abandon its previous 12-month launch model and instead switch to… a 12-month launch model.” Look, I know it’s confusing when one iPhone of all those so far released is shunted from the standard cycle, but you do know how to use more than one data point, right?

Like us on Facebook

No thanks. Oh, sorry. That was a horrible embedded social ‘advert’ and not part of your article. Do continue!

Whenever, the iPhone is unveiled it will have the upper hand on the 4S because iPhone enthusiasts won’t be distracted by the fact that the model they were expecting wasn’t released.

Yes, because people are always very rational when it comes to iOS devices and what they expect. For some reason, the iPhone 5 will have the ‘upper hand’, on the basis that it will be called the iPhone 5 and therefore won’t shock people with its name. Presumably, through MAGIC and PIXIES, everyone will also not unleash an absurd wish list, and will instead be calm and reasoned regarding features.

The latest iPhone 5 rumors point to a 1280 x70 resolution with a Quantum Dot LED curved glass edge-to-edge display.

CALM AND REASONED! And that’s a pretty narrow iPhone display. What, it’s a typo? You think I’m being mean? Tough. If you think Apple’s going to fragment its iOS devices by churning out an iPhone with an entirely new screen ratio, you deserve mean. Also: curved glass? Edge-to-edge display? CALM AND REASONED!

If the iPad 3 is released with a retina display, this will spur rumors for one on the iPhone 5.

Because the iPhone doesn’t yet have a Retina display. Well, assuming you ignore the iPhone 4S. And the iPhone 4.

A bigger 4-inch or 4.3-inch screen is also on the rumors cards,

Can someone send me a pack of these ‘rumors cards’? They sound great!

after many iPhone customers have criticized the iPhone screen for being too small.

‘Many’, in this case meaning ‘arbitrary and non-qualifiable amount that we just made up’.

The iPhone 5 will probably come with the same chip as the iPad 3, which is expected to have an A6 Chip, is.

Did write Yoda this article?

The first-generation iPad came with an A4 Chip and the iPad 2 followed with an A5 chip, which suggests the iPad 3 will follow suit and run on the A6 chip.

I can increment numbers! Woo!

An A6 chip would double the power of the A5 chip that is currently used in the iPhone 4s and the iPad 2.

As evidenced by research from [IBT SUB: PLEASE INSERT LINK HERE. IN FACT, PLEASE INSERT REST OF ARTICLE HERE, WITH YOUR USUAL LEVEL OF RESEARCH, BECAUSE I’M GOING TO BASH MY HEAD AGAINST THE DESK FOR A BIT]

 

Not an hour goes by without someone firing some stupid at the internet regarding the iPad 3, so I thought I’d smash out a quick post to help tech journalists (or journalists writing about tech—despite not really using tech—because their editor heard that this “iPad thing is probably going to be quite big, and can therefore get us page views, even though it’s not really a perfect fit for Pretty Gardens Monthly”) about the revamped device.

Here’s what we currently know for sure about the iPad 3:

• It almost certainly exists and will most likely be revealed on Wednesday.

That’s it. Anything else you care to write about is pure conjecture and you’re fuelling the rumour mill. Worse, you’re getting people’s hopes up by spreading rumours that they will then use to smack Apple with once the realisation dawns that the engineers and designers in Cupertino aren’t in fact wizards conjuring unicorns, but are instead folk simply figuring out how to make a really great tablet.

And here’s what we don’t know for sure:

• The device’s name. iPad 3? iPad HD? iPad 2S? We simply don’t know.
• The amount of storage the device will have. We simply don’t know.
• The screen the new device will have. 1024-by-768? 2048-by-1536? We simply don’t know.
• The form factor and what buttons the device will have. We simply don’t know.
• What connectivity the device will include. We simply don’t know.
• What OS the device will run and what new features it will have. We simply don’t know.
• The full model line-up and whether it will include the iPad 2 at the low-end. We simply don’t know.
• What quality cameras the device will include. We simply don’t know.

And so on.

Some of these guesses (and until we see the device unveiled, that’s what they are—guesses) are more likely than others. A ‘Retina’ display is a logical evolutionary upgrade that would bring the iPad into line with other iOS devices, in terms of the smoothness of displayed content (which is particularly great for reading, but also for games and many apps). Conversely, I think it’s staggeringly unlikely that we’ll see major changes to the device’s form factor and physical components—its dimensions, the Home button, and the bezel, for example. But the thing is we simply don’t know.

I’d have more respect for publications that simply admitted this simple fact, rather than continually churning out coverage of every tiny rumour that’s spat out by unreliable and anonymous ‘sources’, then conveniently forgetting poor track records (both of the sources and their own articles) when the next Apple device update looms.

Via Daring Fireball, Trevor Gilbert’s The Curious Case Of The (Cr)apps That Make Money:

Apple has a serious problem on their hands […] the proliferation of scamming apps.

Gilbert talks about Anton Sinelnikov’s many rip-offs, clearly designed to con buyers into thinking they’re downloading the likes of Plants vs. Zombies, Temple Run, Tiny Wings and Angry Birds, and he interviews developer Paul Haddad about solutions to the problem. Haddad argues Apple needs to clamp down on scam apps, not send the developer any payment, refund those who bought the app, and

curate the Top 100 list beyond automating it based on sales.

It’s not entirely clear what the last of those means; the clarification in the article is:

This would dramatically decrease the number of copies that are sold, while at the same time covering Apple’s bases while they wait for an official takedown notice.

My assumption is he means removing potential scam apps from the charts. I’m not sure that would always help, since innocent apps and games could easily get caught in a takedown spat, such as the one Edge found itself in a while back. However, if Apple can figure out a way to more clearly identify scam apps (copied/recoloured logos, clearly infringing IP, names obviously riffing on popular apps, and so on), I’d be all for that, because otherwise the App Store will end up edging closer to the dross you find in the Android Market.

Gilbert’s conclusion is particularly interesting:

[The] original purpose of screening applications was two fold: security and quality. With one of these missions fulfilled, Apple should start paying attention to the second.

I recall Steve Jobs saying something about App Store curation being required to ensure good apps aren’t surrounded by amateur hour. But amateur hour is precisely what’s happened. The harsh reality is you don’t get half a million great apps for any platform—when the numbers get really high, the majority of releases are crap. But what sets Apple’s store above others is the top tier of apps and games—both from large companies and indies. Generally, buyers can trust that what Apple recommends and, most often, what’s in the charts, is worth downloading*. As Gilbert hints, should that trust be broken, the App Store, developers, users and Apple alike all suffer. Ultimately, whatever Apple’s doing right now regarding its app review process simply isn’t enough. However much time each app is being given needs to be increased, and part of the approvals process must include some kind of search regarding various types of IP (names, characters, icons, imagery). Even in such scenarios, scam apps will still get through, I’m sure, but it’s one thing to have the odd bad egg sneak on to the App Store, and it’s another entirely to have dozens of the things stinking up the place on a regular basis.

* That’s not to say apps and games not in the charts aren’t any good—I regularly cover good apps that haven’t charted highly or at all, such as in my Hidden Gems feature for iGamer. But the point is those apps people are actively encouraged to buy via Apple or its algorithms must not break trust.