Good grief. That’s pretty much all I could think while trudging through Jim Lynch’s misogynistic tripe, iOS 7: An Estrogen-Addled Mess Designed for 13 Year Old Girls—no link, due to trollage. To save you the pain of reading (or doing a Google search), here’s the entire piece summed up:

I AM A MAN! A MANLY MAN! GRRRR. Pastels? I SPIT ON PASTELS. Bright colours? BRIGHT COLOURS ARE FOR GIRLS. iOS is therefore for 13-year-old girls. Also: did I mention I AM A MAN? I may mention “cock” and “balls” at this point, just to show how manly I am! Also: women, eh? They’re taking over, just like they’ve taken over iOS 7. Oh, and Tim Cook? MIGHT BE GAY. I know. There’s nowhere for REAL MEN now. REAL MEN LIKE ME. Balls! Cock! GRRRR!

*scrubs self clean*

Perhaps because I’m not a raving loon, nor a sexist arsehole, I didn’t immediately think “iOS 7 is for girls” on watching the demos at WWDC. I did find some of the design a bit unconsidered (but imagine all we’re really seeing here is an iteration of iOS 7, not the final thing) and some of the colours a bit gaudy. But it seemed fresh, fun, and, crucially, something that might appeal more to more mainstream audience and a younger market.

Note that I’m not saying iOS 7 is for kids. Like I noted previously, I’m not a raving loon. However, on seeing iOS 6 and iOS 7 side by side, one looks kind of dated and techie, and the other looks fresh and young. I imagine there’s perhaps a balance between the two that would appeal more to me personally and also to most of the people currently throwing toys out of prams (aside from Lynch—he’s busy EATING BEER CANS and DOING WEIGHTS AT THE GYM and DRIVING A REALLY BIG CAR), but if iOS 7 ends up appealing to more people—and more younger people—that’s hardly going to be a bad thing.

Hi, tech hacks!

I know you probably just sat through the WWDC 2013 keynote crying your eyes out at the lack of a new iPad mini with Retina display or an iPhone 6, despite the fact Apple was never going to announce one today. Because you’re now barely able to see your monitor through the tears, I thought I’d help you out. Feel free to copy and paste the following and delete as applicable:

Tim Cook and his fellow Apple executives today proved once again that Apple is doomed without its enigmatic founder Steve Jobs. Although the company showcased iOS 7 and a new version of OS X, there was a distinct lack of innovation. iOS 7 has ‘new’ features and interface elements that already entirely existed in [Windows Phone/Android/BlackBerry/your deranged mind] and is a huge disappointment. The new OS X, ‘Mavericks’ has nothing on [Windows 8/obscure flavour of Linux/a C64 you found in your attic], and it’s hard to see why it was delayed [arbitrary number pulled out of someone’s arse] months.

In terms of hardware, Apple revealed a new Mac Pro, a new Airport Extreme, and a revamped MacBook Air, but the lack of a new iPhone or iPad reeked of desperation. Additionally, while when Steve Jobs was alive, you could expect to see [1/2/5/3 billion] entirely new pieces of hardware revealed at WWDC, today’s Apple didn’t even preview the [Apple television/iWatch/Apple phablet/cheaper iPhone/some other device Gene Munster made up while drunk in a bar and trying to look big].

It’s time for new leadership at Apple. Tim Cook cannot deliver. [Android/Microsoft/BlackBerry/Amstrad] is winning, and there’s nothing Apple can do about it.

As the tech industry continues to reel from revelations surrounding the top-secret PRISM program (Guardian), analysts within the tech industry said the row has yet again showcased that Apple is doomed. “It’s not so much that Apple might have enabled the US government some kind of ‘back door’ into its systems—after all, Google’s accused of doing the same, so that must be a good thing, promoting openness,” said some analyst or other that no-one had ever heard of before today. “The real problem is the whistleblower used PowerPoint, and that’s bad news for Apple. If people are still using PowerPoint, they’re not using Keynote and they’re not using Macs. Ergo, Apple is doomed and Tim Cook should be fired.”

Another analyst had a slightly different take: “Just because the PRISM slideshow was a PowerPoint document, that doesn’t necessarily mean its creator used a PC. PowerPoint exists for the Mac, and it’s also possible to use PowerPoint in a Windows virtual machine on a Mac.” However, rather than end there and plant a common-sense flag in the ground, his analystness took over for the final furlong: “That said, all of those cases nonetheless spell doom for Apple, because they mean people who try to whistleblow on major governments clearly side with Microsoft, even if they’re using Apple computers. It’s like a secret that will at some point explode from them in a flurry of flat design and Windows. On the basis of that proof, I predict Windows Phone marketshare will eclipse iOS by next Thursday at the latest.”

Yet another analyst also pointed to the composition of the now famous ‘Dates When PRISM Collection Began For Each Provider’ slide as further evidence that the Cupertino-based company is doomed: “Just look at it. Logos everywhere. Gaudy colours. Names of companies broken up over two lines. This isn’t the kind of thing you’d ever see from Apple, and it shows the company doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of modern design trends. This year’s all about bright yellow, cramped text and randomly positioned graphics. Rumours are Sir Jony Ive will unveil simpler, sleeker versions of iOS and OS X at WWDC, and he’s therefore going in exactly the wrong direction. It’s time for someone else to take hold of Apple before it’s too late. Ive and Tim Cook should be fired, and Sir Alan Sugar should immediately be installed as Apple CEO. After all, those Amstrads showed he sure knew good design when he saw it.”

A new op-ed by me for Stuff magazine, on what iOS 7 really needs.

The average pundit might tire of a new device approximately eight seconds after switching it on, dismissing it with a weary sigh for not parping a tech revolution fanfare and simultaneously spraying complexity everywhere, but consumers are fond of familiarity. They rather like knowing that on tapping upgrade‚ everything will remain where it was before, but be a bit better. They’re more interested in useful enhancements than me-too (or even me-first) features that won’t fundamentally enrich their lives.

That’s the main gist of it, although there’s also a bit about Tim Cook being fired out of a cannon.

There’s a lot online today about the Xbox One, with Microsoft clarifying a few points about the system’s restrictions. Everything’s outlined in a Eurogamer piece by Tom Bramwell, and the short of it is you don’t own content (you license it, even if it’s bought on optical media), publishers decide whether resale is allowed, the Xbox One must connect every 24 hours or you can’t play games (live TV and optical media playback are exempt from this rule), and loaning/renting is still being figured out.

Bramwell also notes:

10 people can be authorised to play these games on a different Xbox One via the cloud, but not at the same time, similar to iTunes authorised devices.

I’ve also seen other articles comparing Xbox One to iTunes, but I don’t think the comparisons hold up. First, iTunes was always a digital system, whereas Microsoft’s still juggling digital and optical media; secondly, iTunes content is a hell of a lot cheaper than the games that will be sold for the Xbox One, which perhaps makes Apple’s restrictions more palatable; thirdly, I can play my games on all authorised iOS devices simultaneously if I like; and finally, I only ever have to go online to download updates or for game-specific functionality (Game Center, online multiplayer, and so on).

By contrast, Xbox One is a system that matches iTunes in you never really owning a physical thing, but the games are pricier, and cannot be played across multiple devices on one account at the same time. Additionally, you’re forced online daily or your games simply don’t work. That is truly astonishing.

If anything, Microsoft’s managed to out-Apple Apple in terms of creating a closed, user-hostile gaming experience. (As regular readers will know, I’m a huge fan of iOS gaming, but I’m not blind to its shortcomings regarding ownership and restrictions.) However, there’s also another angle to this, in that Microsoft’s also increasingly joining Apple in eradicating huge chunks of gaming’s history. As games designer and developer Ste Pickford said on Twitter earlier today:

I think that’s my main problem (with iOS too), that we’re losing the ability to archive our culture—games aren’t valued.

Some people will argue that Microsoft had no choice—that to continue funding triple-A games, further restrictions were necessary. No doubt there will be claims that the Xbox One is a win for gamers. But all I see is the hope of a win for deluded publishers, a probable win for Microsoft in terms of console sales (which will inevitably be high—at least in the short term—because most people will give in and buy the Xbox One regardless of their distaste for its restrictions) and a loss for gaming as a whole.