If you’ve watched or read the news over the past few days, the antics of Jonathan Ross and unfunny man Russell Brand can’t have escaped your notice. Having left some fairly insulting and immature messages on former famous person Andrew Sachs’s answer machine regarding Brand’s relationship with Sachs’s granddaughter, and had said messages broadcast, Brand has now quit the BBC and Ross has been suspended for three months (which, annoyingly, means no more Film in 2008).

I’m not going to defend the pair’s actions, nor those of the person responsible for okaying the transmission of the segment, but this entire farce does highlight the very worst of the United Kingdom, in terms of reporting and ‘sheep’ mentality.

Prior to the tabloids getting in a mouth-frothing frenzy about the incident, there had been two complaints, and those were about Ross’s language. Now, there are thousands, presumably composed by people whipped into apoplectic fury by something they didn’t even hear or experience. And the reporting on the subject has been uniformly dreadful. Do people realise this entire episode was sparked by Sachs being a no-show for an interview? Are people aware the show’s producer rang Sachs for permission to air the clip? (Sachs claims the line was ‘bad’, which led to ‘confusion’ regarding what was being asked.) Doubtful, judging by the hate and bile spewing from most people’s mouths.

However, the thing that galls me most about this incident (well, bar the fact that one of my favourite shows is now dead for the year) is that it totally confirms how alive and well the cult of celebrity is in this country. It’s pretty obvious that had Ross and Brand ‘targeted’ a general member of the public, not even a peep of outcry would have happened. And as for Sachs’ granddaughter, Georgina ‘Voluptua’ Baillie, to protect her grandfather’s privacy she got Max Clifford on board to sell her story in an exclusive to the Sun. After all, what better way to protect someone’s privacy and minimise their humiliation than to talk about what happened to them in an interview for the UK’s top-selling newspaper? (Of course, this would have nothing to do with her being an ‘aspiring model’ and a member of the oddly named dance troupe Satanic Sluts, which could, presumably, do with a bit of publicity.)

So, it’s really business as usual. All-comers are lining up to rant, using the incident as an excuse to give the BBC a good kicking. A nobody who wants to be a somebody is whoring themselves out under the premise of being a poor widdle victim. And energy is being spent on something so appallingly pointless, when it could be put to far better use. For example, if those many thousands of people had spent their time conversing with their MP about issues that actually affect the country, rather than bitching about a radio show, our politicians might actually feel accountable for once.

And talking of politicians, Gordon Brown should be thoroughly ashamed for his part in this. You’d think with Britain’s economy getting smashed to pieces that he’d have more important things to deal with than a couple of middle-of-the-road presenters taking the piss out of an ex-comedy star and his fame-hungry granddaughter. Still, way to distract the population, Mr. Prime Minister. Maybe you can get Ross or Brand to make another faux-pas just before the next election!

Before you all drive me utterly insane

1. Logos

I know this is going to come as a massive shock, but I’m not as excited nor as impressed by your shiny animated logo as you are. I’m also not particularly bothered by the logos of all 46 other companies involved in the making of the DVD.

Making me sit and watch your stupid logos shimmying around while annoying jingles play in the background and not enabling me to skip past them makes me want to set fire to your headquarters. Twice.

2. Trailers

Again, I think you’re going to be quite surprised by this, but when I’ve just paid real cash for one of your DVDs, what I actually want to see is the film or show I’ve paid for, not adverts for whatever else you’re trying to flog at the time.

What I’m significantly less happy about (and by ‘less happy’, I mean ‘about as happy as I’d be if an elephant decided to defecate on my keyboard right now’) is in not being able to skip, with a single button-press, past all of your jolly adverts and to the DVD’s main menu, you total gits.

3. Copyright notices

It may have escaped your notice, but when I’ve paid money for one of your DVDs, I’m therefore not a stinking, evil, nasty pirate scumbag. Therefore, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t insult me with patronising, unskippable, legally shaky copyright notices (“You wouldn’t steal a car!” Quite right, but copyright infringement and theft aren’t the same thing, dumbass.) when I’ve actually gone to the bother of buying your product, you dolts.

4. Animated intros

This will perhaps be the biggest revelation of all, but some people actually watch the DVDs they’ve bought more than once. And if they’ve bought a series, not only might they not want to watch an entire DVD in one go, but they might also want to later watch a particularly favourite episode. Therefore, although your 3D animator is probably very proud of their work, and you likely want to show that, yes, you care enough about a show to spend a few bucks on the menus, not letting me skip past the animated intros to menus and sub-menus is akin to repeatedly kicking me in the teeth, removing my remaining shards of teeth, nailing dentures into my gums, and then repeatedly kicking me in the dentures, just for good measure.

(South Park guys: your menus are particularly hateful—I really don’t want some unskippable 30-second out-of-context chunk of an episode to be shown prior to the menu options appearing. And the reason is because I’m just about to watch the actual episode, you complete buffoons.)