As the iPad 3 gears up to smash the industry in the face, the internet is being pelted by articles that say—shock!—the iPad 3 is doomed! It’s rubbish! Its competition is about to nonchalantly zoom past, leaving Apple once again like it was back in the days when it didn’t have a clue.

This is all true. Especially if you ignore the fact that today’s Apple has a clue. And that the iPad has sold more rapidly than anything else Apple has ever released. And the fact competing tablets are selling poorly, bar the Kindle Fire, which is only currently available in the USA. And that everyone and his dog is writing an ‘iPad is actually rubbish’ article, because, clearly, there’s lots of interest about the iPad. BUT LET’S IGNORE ALL THESE THINGS, BECAUSE!

First up today with a slice of crazy: come on down, Eric Zeman for Information Week, with What iPad 3 Really Needs: Revised OS.

Apple’s iOS is starting to get a little long in the tooth. There, I said it. The overall look and feel of the operating system has not changed since its 2007 debut.

Users and developers love it when operating systems change in terms of look and feel all the time. They think it’s just great. And I agree with Zeman: now literally millions of people are familiar with and enjoy using iOS, it’s the perfect time to RAKE IN THE FACE! But, tell us, Zeman, what specifically should Apple do?

What would I like Apple to change? Well, I’m no design guru, but I am sure Apple has enough creative juices to turn out a more visually appealing operating system.

“Make the logo bigger!”

 I’d like to see a sharper-looking operating system, with fewer curves and more corners. Not Windows 8-style corners and blocks, but something that has cleaner lines to it.

“Make it squarer, but not too square! Make the colours more—I don’t know—voguish.” (Every designer, everywhere: HEADDESK!)

The operating system could use some more features, but that will always be true of any platform. Things that iOS lacks that other platforms capitalize on? Widgets, the ability to control files/folders […]

Now that Microsoft has aligned the look of its PC, tablet, and smartphone platforms, it would behoove Apple to do the same.

“Hello? Doc Brown? I’m stuck in 2007, before the iPhone and iPad, when everyone thought an OS X tablet was the best idea ever! I can’t get out, and the DeLorean’s broken down again. HEELLLPPP!”

*zemanmighthavetomarryhismothersadface*

We need a new contestant! Come on down, Roger Cheng for CNET, with iPad rivals catching up: Can iPad 3 keep them at bay?

Apple should be blowing us away with the iPad 3, but it probably won’t.

Bold! Let’s hope you have a really good article that explains why this is the case and won’t just bang out a list of pointless specs that companies are using in a desperate attempt to differentiate their otherwise similar offerings and that consumers don’t care about, yet that tech pundits seem oddly infatuated by!

The latest rumors call for a higher resolution screen on par with the iPhone’s Retina Display, a possible upgrade to the iOS software, and possibly a few other improvements. That’s certainly enough to draw the Apple faithful and sell a ton of iPads.

SUB, PLEASE CHECK: DID APPLE’S 55+ MILLION IPADS ALL GO TO THE ‘APPLE FAITHFUL’?

But with the rapid advances that the competition is making, will it be enough to secure the company’s continued dominance in the tablet business?

SUB, PLEASE CHECK: DID STRAIGHTFORWARD IPAD 2 UPGRADE MAKE IPAD SALES FALL OFF A CLIFF?

So, Roger Cheng, please educate as as to what the iPad lacks, and what Apple should unveil tomorrow!

At first glance, the [Kindle] Fire’s biggest advantage is price. It’s hard to argue with a $200 tablet.

Price! The iPad is too expensive, which explains its lack of sales. *onlytensofmillionssoldsadface*

Sure, the specs aren’t the greatest, and it feels sluggish at times, but it’s not a bad experience for the price.

Everyone likes sub-standard experiences if they are cheaper!

Another key feature is the access to Amazon Prime and its streaming video service. Apple has iTunes, but it doesn’t have its own dedicated service for streaming video for a low flat rate.

Man, if only streaming video apps existed for the iPad.

The Kindle Fire also boasts its own custom Silk Browser, which is supposed to enable faster Web surfing through a cached architecture. It’s debatable whether Silk is that much better.

‘Debatably faster’ is always a good selling point, I find.

The [Asus Transformer] Prime uses Nvidia’s quad-core processor, which on paper means two more cores than the iPad’s dual-core chip

MOAR POWER! Everyone loves specs. Apart from consumers, who really couldn’t give a monkey’s about specs.

But the Prime’s best feature is its detachable keyboard, which makes it a virtual laptop.

Man, if only you could pair an entirely-optional-if-you-really-want-one Bluetooth keyboard with an iPad.

The tablet also has Ice Cream Sandwich, the latest flavor of Android meant to bridge the gap between the smartphone and tablet user interface. Only time will tell if that’s a true advantage.

‘Time will tell if this feature is a true advantage’ is always a good selling point, I find.

Say what you will about the 5-inch Galaxy Note, the [Samsung] Galaxy Note 10.1 is a tablet that makes sense. Its main advantage, like its 5-inch brother, is the S-Pen stylus, which works extremely well on the larger surface.

Man, if only you could get an entirely-optional-if-you-really-want-one stylus for the iPad. And if only people generally had ten styluses attached to the ends of their arms. And if only we weren’t in 2012, instead of the year poor Zeman is stuck in, when a stylus for a tablet still seemed like a pretty neat idea.

Of course, these tablets all have their share of weaknesses as well,

But we’ll subsequently ignore those entirely and won’t address them, because otherwise this article makes no sense.

but that doesn’t take away from the fact these features are ones that iPad users would certainly appreciate,

Every iPad user I’ve ever met has said they want a ‘debatably faster’ browser, features that may or may not be a ‘true advantage’, and an easy-to-lose, pointless stylus!

and indicate that gap between Apple and its rivals isn’t as wide as most people think.

Apart from in terms of sales. And profits. And usage. And quality apps. But none of these things matter if there aren’t enough cores or styluses on stage tomorrow. I HOPE YOU’RE LISTENING, TIM COOK!

Chris Brennan reports on an ongoing slice of bafflement in technology. In I can’t see what you did there, he says:

Windows Phones can’t take screenshots. This in and of itself might not sound like a big thing. It is. Here’s why. I have a Windows Phone and it does lots of nice things, however, I can’t show you

In iOS, taking a screen capture isn’t the most discoverable of actions, but once you know how to do so (Home+Sleep), it’s memorable and easy enough¹. iOS also now has deep Twitter integration and the upshot of this is that it’s easy to share stills of exciting things you can do with your iOS device.

Other systems have been bewilderingly slow to understand this basic aspect of marketing, in enabling your users to more easily promote your platform. Android, as of 4.0, finally ditched its absurd method of capturing screens, instead more or less aping iOS, but Windows Phone still doesn’t provide a straightforward method to grab a screen. This leads to people taking photos of their devices or, more typically, not bothering.

Brennan:

I asked on Twitter if anyone knew why Windows Phone might not have a screenshot option. I received a reply from Peter Bright or @DrPizza if you prefer: “Their argument is that normals never need to take screenshots. That might be true in general, but it hurts geeks.”

I think it’s wrong to suggest ‘normals’ never need to take screen grabs. My father’s about the furthest person away from geekdom as you can imagine, but he often takes grabs on the Mac, as a back-up when given an online receipt, to rapidly send information to someone, or to fire over a support request to yours truly. All he needed to start doing this was the knowledge of how to take the grabs. The same is true for iOS: once someone knows the grab combo, they can easily share screens of apps and games, or their home screens.

I’m not sure why Microsoft hasn’t followed suit. It could be oversight, or perhaps, as Bright argues, the company genuinely doesn’t want people sharing grabs of its OS, or doesn’t think they want to. But Microsoft’s also the underdog in the mobile space, and with plenty of people praising the Metro UI—often saying how it’s superior to iOS and Android—it’s insane that the same people cannot easily share images of what they are seeing and using.

Microsoft isn’t the only culprit either. It’s interesting to see the differences between Matt Gemmell’s Nintendo 3DS and PlayStation Vita reviews. The latter clearly shows the UI and provides an instant idea of how the system works; the former relies on embedded videos of the device, which look comparatively grainy and therefore do not remotely show off the system at its best.

¹ Except, perhaps, when trying to take superb action shots for Tap! magazine of a racing game while skidding round a corner at 150 mph. I might, however, be an edge case there.

An amusing post on the icon update for Magnetic Billiards: Blueprint, a superb iOS physics puzzler. The previous version had a fairly abstract take on the game itself, but now we have one of the beardy programmers staring wild-eyed at those who might buy the game. The slightly less beardy of the two says:

We’ve already seen it described as frightening, terrifying, and the scariest icon on the App Store. Oh well, that’s what happens when I try to draw ‘cute’.

In which case, I look forward to whatever horrors emerge from the Pickford Bros if they ever attempt to craft a loveable and sweet platform game.

Oh dear, International Business Times, with your latest iPhone 5 article, you really are spoiling us. Wasting no time at all, it even screws up with the headline:

New iPhone 5 Release Date: 5 Ways it Will Beat the 4S

Five ways the iPhone 5 release date will beat the 4S? What? Clearly, the article’s not off to a good start, and the publication’s confidence is so low that no-one will take personal responsibility:

By IBTimes Staff Reporter

And so it begins:

As the iPad 3 release date nears, rumors surrounding the next generation iPhone 5 have accelerated

Fuelled by articles such as yours.

A recent report in the Japanese blog Mocotakara, says that Apple will abandon its mid-year iPhone releases and instead switch to a 12-month launch model.

“Apple will abandon its previous 12-month launch model and instead switch to… a 12-month launch model.” Look, I know it’s confusing when one iPhone of all those so far released is shunted from the standard cycle, but you do know how to use more than one data point, right?

Like us on Facebook

No thanks. Oh, sorry. That was a horrible embedded social ‘advert’ and not part of your article. Do continue!

Whenever, the iPhone is unveiled it will have the upper hand on the 4S because iPhone enthusiasts won’t be distracted by the fact that the model they were expecting wasn’t released.

Yes, because people are always very rational when it comes to iOS devices and what they expect. For some reason, the iPhone 5 will have the ‘upper hand’, on the basis that it will be called the iPhone 5 and therefore won’t shock people with its name. Presumably, through MAGIC and PIXIES, everyone will also not unleash an absurd wish list, and will instead be calm and reasoned regarding features.

The latest iPhone 5 rumors point to a 1280 x70 resolution with a Quantum Dot LED curved glass edge-to-edge display.

CALM AND REASONED! And that’s a pretty narrow iPhone display. What, it’s a typo? You think I’m being mean? Tough. If you think Apple’s going to fragment its iOS devices by churning out an iPhone with an entirely new screen ratio, you deserve mean. Also: curved glass? Edge-to-edge display? CALM AND REASONED!

If the iPad 3 is released with a retina display, this will spur rumors for one on the iPhone 5.

Because the iPhone doesn’t yet have a Retina display. Well, assuming you ignore the iPhone 4S. And the iPhone 4.

A bigger 4-inch or 4.3-inch screen is also on the rumors cards,

Can someone send me a pack of these ‘rumors cards’? They sound great!

after many iPhone customers have criticized the iPhone screen for being too small.

‘Many’, in this case meaning ‘arbitrary and non-qualifiable amount that we just made up’.

The iPhone 5 will probably come with the same chip as the iPad 3, which is expected to have an A6 Chip, is.

Did write Yoda this article?

The first-generation iPad came with an A4 Chip and the iPad 2 followed with an A5 chip, which suggests the iPad 3 will follow suit and run on the A6 chip.

I can increment numbers! Woo!

An A6 chip would double the power of the A5 chip that is currently used in the iPhone 4s and the iPad 2.

As evidenced by research from [IBT SUB: PLEASE INSERT LINK HERE. IN FACT, PLEASE INSERT REST OF ARTICLE HERE, WITH YOUR USUAL LEVEL OF RESEARCH, BECAUSE I’M GOING TO BASH MY HEAD AGAINST THE DESK FOR A BIT]

 

Not an hour goes by without someone firing some stupid at the internet regarding the iPad 3, so I thought I’d smash out a quick post to help tech journalists (or journalists writing about tech—despite not really using tech—because their editor heard that this “iPad thing is probably going to be quite big, and can therefore get us page views, even though it’s not really a perfect fit for Pretty Gardens Monthly”) about the revamped device.

Here’s what we currently know for sure about the iPad 3:

• It almost certainly exists and will most likely be revealed on Wednesday.

That’s it. Anything else you care to write about is pure conjecture and you’re fuelling the rumour mill. Worse, you’re getting people’s hopes up by spreading rumours that they will then use to smack Apple with once the realisation dawns that the engineers and designers in Cupertino aren’t in fact wizards conjuring unicorns, but are instead folk simply figuring out how to make a really great tablet.

And here’s what we don’t know for sure:

• The device’s name. iPad 3? iPad HD? iPad 2S? We simply don’t know.
• The amount of storage the device will have. We simply don’t know.
• The screen the new device will have. 1024-by-768? 2048-by-1536? We simply don’t know.
• The form factor and what buttons the device will have. We simply don’t know.
• What connectivity the device will include. We simply don’t know.
• What OS the device will run and what new features it will have. We simply don’t know.
• The full model line-up and whether it will include the iPad 2 at the low-end. We simply don’t know.
• What quality cameras the device will include. We simply don’t know.

And so on.

Some of these guesses (and until we see the device unveiled, that’s what they are—guesses) are more likely than others. A ‘Retina’ display is a logical evolutionary upgrade that would bring the iPad into line with other iOS devices, in terms of the smoothness of displayed content (which is particularly great for reading, but also for games and many apps). Conversely, I think it’s staggeringly unlikely that we’ll see major changes to the device’s form factor and physical components—its dimensions, the Home button, and the bezel, for example. But the thing is we simply don’t know.

I’d have more respect for publications that simply admitted this simple fact, rather than continually churning out coverage of every tiny rumour that’s spat out by unreliable and anonymous ‘sources’, then conveniently forgetting poor track records (both of the sources and their own articles) when the next Apple device update looms.