Through an unnamed source*, I have put together a list of sure-fire predictions for the Apple Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) 2011 keynote and its knock-on effects for Apple and the tech industry.
Mac OS X 10.7 (Lion) will be demoed further. Apple pundits will bitch and complain about how the new features are rubbish, pointless, stupid and smell a bit of wee. These same pundits will then be writing up features and tutorials about how UNICORN AMAZING said features are, approximately fourteen seconds after they’ve had a chance to play with them themselves.
iOS 5 will be revealed, with a number of features that improve Apple’s mobile platform immeasurably. However, because Apple won’t include features that tech pundits want, iOS 5 will be widely slammed, despite appealing more to consumers. Also, iOS 5 will in some way include features that bear a little resemblance to things Android can already do. This will cause an Android-user smugness overload on the internet, countered by an Apple fan-boy whinealanche that will cause almost half of the internet to CATCH FIRE.
Analysts will react to the keynote by claiming their predictions, which were almost the exact opposite of what was revealed, were in fact the same as what was revealed, and will happily continue making up bullshit and getting paid for it. Forever.
Apple is doomed will be a common theme, due to the company missing out the one thing a prominent tech pundit wanted to see in Lion or iOS 5, and also for not releasing devices that the competition are making but that themselves will in the long run be doomed to failure. Apple, naturally, will only remain doomed in the press, while making more money every second than you could stuff down your pants, even if you have really big, baggy pants.
Apple will take down its entire store, just to fuck with people’s heads. With any luck, it will come back up, with only a single price-change to one product: the price of the Digital AV Adapter, down by a single Euro, and only in the Belgian store.
Most people will be disappointed with whatever Apple announces, because most people believe the hype and don’t appreciate how stunning the technology we have is, and even how fantastic the incremental updates we’re getting are. As this YouTube video says, everything’s amazing and nobody’s happy. START BEING HAPPY. NOW.
Reckon I’ll be six-for-six this year.
* My brain, which doesn’t have a name, and is therefore thoroughly jealous of my kneecaps, Arthur and Gerald.
OK, so it might look a smidge like the MacBook Air, but here’s why Lenovo’s laptop will grind Apple’s into the dirt:
Nipple: Everyone likes a nipple, and this laptop still has one wedged into its keyboard. Apple seems to think that multitouch trackpads are the way forward, but the nipple will eventually win the day.
Stickers: The MacBook Air is extremely boring when you open it up—the entire thing’s just grey. Yawn. By contrast, the ThinkPad X1 has lots of exciting stickers on it; even better, these tell you what companies have supplied parts for your computer, enabling you to show off to your friend.
Heft: The ThinkPad X1 is about 50 per cent heavier than the MacBook Air, meaning it’s far more satisfying to carry. You really know you’ve spent money on something when it’s in a bag and tugging at your shoulder. (Even better, 1.7kg is only the starting weight—you can actually make it heavier. I’m hoping for a special edition with a brick glued to the lid.)
Battery: Lenovo reckons the battery should last up to five hours, compared to seven in the MacBook Air—a big benefit, because everyone works too much these days. The X1 makes sure you won’t, especially if your forget your charger.
Windows: It’s got Windows inside! Everyone loves Windows.
Poor screen contrast: Great reproduction of photos drops your productivity. By making on-screen graphics less exciting, you will do more work. Unless your battery runs out first, obv.
Black: Black is the new black, and the black shell doesn’t at all make the X1 look like it’s the result of a torrid affair between a MacBook Air and a clunky 1990s Windows laptop.
Specs: The X1 has more bullet-points than the MacBook Air, referring to extra ports and ‘stuff’ that is a surefire way to draw in typical users. They love lists of numbers.
Storage: The SSD will be optional, rather than standard and enforced across the line. Futuristic technology is scary.
Run for the hills, Apple! I think I’m not alone in saying that Lenovo’s got you beaten here, and that within four days at most of the X1 being on sale, you’ll be down to third in terms of market-cap, because Lenovo will blitz past even Exxon, leaving you in its wake.
The white iPhone 4 has been promised by Apple for almost a year — today it officially arrived.
It’s like the iPhone 4, but in white! And it’s, apparently, “beautiful”!
The white iPhone 4 has finally arrived and it’s beautiful. We appreciate everyone who has waited patiently while we’ve worked to get every detail right
said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Product Marketing, neglecting to mention why the hell a colour variation has taken almost a year to get to market.
And, man, with the iPhone 5 not showing up and being delayed until September or later, we needed something to distract everyone in the meantime. MWAHAHAHAHA
he didn’t go on to say, under his breath, while he thought no-one was listening.
Curious Rat posts in response to Don Reisinger, who argues that with Jobs on medical leave, the iPhone could hurt Apple because “there’s no telling what might come out” of future development and no way of knowing how appealing those devices might be. Obviously, now Jobs isn’t at Apple day-to-day, Apple’s going to turn the iPhone into the iRetro and make it look more like the device Dom Joly used to use in Trigger-Happy TV.
But wait! Curious Rat throws a logic-shaped spanner into the bizarre-o-works:
Steve Jobs does not sit in a laboratory all day building things out of aluminum and glass.
But the tech press told us he was responsible for everything Apple has done since he become iCEO. HOW COULD THEY BE WRONG?
He does not cut metal, he is not Dr. Frankenstein and he certainly is not the only person at Apple creating beautiful things.
But that means Jony Ive isn’t just for show, to woo the ladies with his British accent and shaved head. THIS IS MAKING MY BRAIN HURT.
Steve Jobs probably has final say on what gets shipped, but he has a team of brilliant engineers and designers who have perfected their crafts over many years.
But that would mean Apple will be fine if Jobs steps down permanently, not least because Apple has effectively become Steve Jobs in company-sized form. STOP IT NOW, YOU’RE MAKING THE TECH PUNDITS CRY.