I work hard. I just thought I’d put that out there, in case you thought a freelance lifestyle mainly involved lying around in my pants until about 4pm and then furiously typing out any old shit and filing it at about 4:15, just in time to catch whatever exciting children’s shows are on the tele. That’s why I increasingly despair about the level of absolute garbage churned out by the press, on sites that should know better. It seems these days I’m doing it wrong. Instead of bothering with trifling matters such as research, and engaging my brain, I should just be thinking “What’s the most stupid, inane Apple-related article I could get away with writing?” and pitch that to the editors at Forbes. I’d have to give up any vestige of integrity, but I could crank out such articles in my sleep, thereby enabling me to indeed shift towards that freelance ideal of lounging about and watching cartoons.

Forbes’s latest is Why Apple Should Hang-up On The iPhone, iWear Is Next, by contributor Richard Saintvilus. His own strapline appears to have a typo in it, spelling “I write total garbage about Apple” as “I provide news, analysis, and actionable investing ideas”. You’d think a sub might have caught that. Mind you, any sub worth their weight would have just drawn a red line through the entire piece and yelled at Saintvilus, unless, of course, Forbes only wants to bang the trolling drum these days.

Evidence for said drummage is pretty high. Saintvilus essentially argues Apple’s doomed (as ever), and rather bizarrely says

Apple now finds itself in an unfamiliar territory – having to prove itself.

Because, clearly, Apple hasn’t had to continually “prove itself” to the press before, even when making enough money for the executive board to use for building a new solid gold house every month or so. But what really makes the article stupid was hinted at in the headline and subsequently argued like this:

However, for the company to truly move forward as a tech power, Apple should hang-up on the iPhone after one more iteration – presumably the iPhone 6.

Apple has in the past had no problems in cannibalising its own markets in order to propel itself forward with the next big thing. For example, iPod sales continue to fall (although, as analysts regularly fail to note, iPods still bring in a pile of cash), but Apple has the iPhone to counter that. The thing is, the iPhone is by far Apple’s biggest revenue stream, and so if Tim Cook went crazy one day and cancelled the line, Apple would have to have something monumentally amazing to take over—something every single person in the world would immediately clamour for. Tell us, Saintvilus, what should that thing be?

Instead, Apple needs to focus on its TV ambitions, which I’ve said should include the Facebook “like” button.

I think I must have misread that. I thought you said Apple should ditch the iPhone in order to release a television with an integrated Facebook ‘like’ button. *rubs eyes*

Instead, Apple needs to focus on its TV ambitions, which I’ve said should include the Facebook “like” button.

Oh.

But Saintvilus is smarter than to suggest Apple should pin all its hopes on one product should it ditch the iPhone. Instead, he suggests:

“It’s time” for the iWatch or its iWear line of devices.

If the thought of Apple ditching its smartphone for a watch wasn’t enough to make you goggle-eyed, Saintvilus helpfully added that little pun. I hope you enjoyed it. He finishes with:

And for Apple, this will be the answer to that chronic “what’s next” question. And the company will finally be able to put to rest that other annoying question – can it still innovate?

The answer, sadly, being “no” if it follows Saintvilus’s advice, which isn’t quite what he was going for.

On iOS devices, Do Not Disturb is a handy feature that enables you to stop your device getting all noisy during a user-defined schedule, for example stopping gleeful text messages from O2 at three in the morning, saying your mobile balance has just been topped up. On January 1, this feature ‘helpfully’ didn’t work, enabling all iOS users to have a much-needed lie-in after having probably had far too much to drink the night before. According to Apple, the feature won’t start working again until January 7, requiring it to be manually turned on or off—not much cop for regularly silencing a device overnight.

In his latest piece for Macgasm, Harry Marks lays into the tech press for its “imaginary outrage” about what’s been dubbed Do-Not-Disturb-Gate, because, as we know, if something goes wrong with iOS, there’s literally nothing better for a tech hack than whacking ‘gate’ on the end of the specific thing that’s gone wrong.

Marks says:

It’s the talk of the town all over the blogosphere… mainly because there’s nothing else to talk about. A bug in iOS 6 appeared at the start of the new year that affects users of the system’s Do Not Disturb feature. Normally, Do Not Disturb automatically deactivates at a set time each day, but this bug prevents that from happening, which means the user must painstakingly go into Settings, then flick the Do Not Disturb switch to the “Off” position. How dreadful.

I agree entirely with Marks’s subsequent rantage that the press has, as usual, gone nuts about this issue, in typically overblown fashion. He’s also right that the press seems to think Apple exists in a perpetual state of scandal. To keep hits flooding in, Apple always has to be doing the tech equivalent of shoving babies on to spikes or pissing in someone’s soup. However, I don’t agree with wholeheartedly dismissing outrage from users, because this is a key problem with iOS and, crucially, this isn’t the first time Apple’s had problems with time-related features.

As people move towards being more reliant on their smartphones, basic and important functionality such as alarms and silence scheduling must work properly. Previously, Apple alarms have failed during switches to daylight savings time and as the calendar year has changed. That Do Not Disturb suddenly stopped working on New Year’s Day should have been a shock, but instead all I could think was “not again”.

Anyone arguing “this would never have happened if Steve Jobs, etc.” is of course deluded. Plenty went wrong with OS X, iOS and other aspects of Apple when he was alive. However, I have since the iPhone’s arrival felt a gradual but very real slide in Apple’s QA process. Bugs have become more frequent, and software has been less considered. Updates are rarer—and from a company that was never terribly interested in regular software patches in the first place. But there’s a big difference between something new going wrong (hello, Game Center for Mac) and a problem Apple has time and time again. Do Not Disturb failing to work is something that shouldn’t have happened, because someone should have remembered Apple’s previous failings with time-related features and rigorously tested it. That the feature did fail points to either a lack of engineers/testers at Apple, or a lack of giving a shit, and neither of those things is really acceptable.

In case you’d not noticed, the end of 2012’s rampaging towards us with all the grace of a drunk rhinoceros wearing roller-blades, and I thought it might be nice to see out the year by highlighting the most popular posts on this blog during that time.

BBC mis-quotes Paul Chambers Twitter Joke Trial tweet, presumably because electrons cost lots of money

The top post by some margin, largely due to a repost by Graham Linehan and a ton of retweets that subsequently took the blog offline while I frantically tried to install and activate caching plug-ins in the one second in fifty that the site actually responded. I learned my lesson, but sadly the British legal system didn’t, because it’s still arresting people for making stupid jokes online. Even Paul Chambers’ win was bittersweet, in the sense that he shouldn’t have had to go through so much crap in the first place. Here’s hoping 2013 sees the CPS taking a more sensible approach regarding policing speech online.

What the iPad 3 really needs: fewer stupid articles about the iPad 3

Me getting a tiny bit ranty in response to yet another piece of bullshit ‘journalism’ about how rubbish the iPad 3 would be and how it was destined to fail in the face of rival tablets. In the end, it sold well, laid the groundwork for the iPad 4 (sorry, ‘iPad with Retina display’) and iPad mini, and Android tablets still aren’t selling well enough to unseat Apple from its lofty perch.

Mac OS X users: clone or back-up your Mac before installing Mountain Lion

People who don’t back-up do my head in. Too often, I get someone yelling that they’ve lost every precious picture they’ve ever taken and CAN’T YOU DO SOMETHING? YOU WRITE ABOUT APPLE! Yes, but I’m not a magician. What I could do was put some straightforward advice regarding back-ups online, and I hope at least a few people have taken note. Judging by the traffic, plenty of people have at least read it.

Mac OS X users: clone your Macs before installing Lion

The above article’s older brother, still getting a silly amount of traffic, for some reason. Maybe this just highlights Google’s sometimes a bit rubbish when it comes to search results.

Dear TV and movie industries: stop being dicks

The obligatory rant about the stupidity of the media industry, possibly before it was cool, then uncool and then cool again to write about this kind of thing. Or not. I stand by every single word of this piece. DVDs still drive me up the wall with their unskippable crap, and many films and TV shows really need to get worldwide far more rapidly.

OS X Lion and motion sickness from full-screen animations and transitions

I imagined precisely seven people would read this, but it had a couple of major spikes, bringing in thousands of readers. Unsurprisingly, Apple’s done precisely nothing to deal with the issue of animations on OS X possibly triggering motion sickness, and nor will I imagine it’ll do anything to help in the future. After all, it’d be really hard for an engineer to add a ‘turn the fucking sliding shit off’ checkbox in System Preferences. TotalSpaces at least provided an answer for people wedded to full screen; personally, I now just use Moom to resize windows and ignore OS X’s full-screen mode entirely.

Why do magazines look so bad on the new iPad?

As a contributor to Tap!, Future’s iPad mag that’s made on an iPad, I was sick at the time of writing this article of all the crap online about how rubbish all iPad mags were. Reports were inevitably US-focussed and ignored magazines doing things right. This hasn’t really changed a great deal, but at least magazines are shifting away from rendering every page as a PNG.

An interview with Rob Janoff, designer of the Apple logo

This one actually went online in 2011 and, as I’ve just noticed, has pretty awful formatting with this site’s new theme. Still, it’s one of my favourite interviews, not least because it lays to rest a bunch of rumours about Apple’s logo.

Office 2013 shows that user interface extremes aren’t the way to go

Over the year, I’ve seen dozens of articles arguing Apple’s UI design should be as minimal as its hardware. In a sense, this is what Microsoft’s tried to do with some of its new software, and the result has been a user-experience disaster. I’m not a fan of Apple’s excesses (such as torn paper in Calendar), but UI designers must shoot for usable and beautiful, not just stark and minimal.

The freemium model and how it threatens iOS gaming

When the new Tetris for iOS arrived, minds boggled at the IAP. It was absolutely crazy, offering subscriptions to slightly increase how rapidly you earned in-game currency, and you could pay $99.99 for an extra 200,000 coins. $99.99. For Tetris. I argued then that freemium threatened iOS gaming, and it’s not an opinion that’s changed. On the plus side, a ton of really great iOS games arrived during 2012, and the majority of them had pricing models that put Tetris to shame.

 

In addition to these, a couple of more recent articles have done well, in terms of traffic, but didn’t make the top-ten, due to only having been posted recently:

Temporarily fixing problems with iTunes 11 Wi-Fi sync with an iPad, iPhone or iPod touch

iTunes 11 bafflingly continues to be a bit rubbish when it comes to finding iOS devices on the local network. A strange connect/checkbox dance usually sorts this on my system. Judging by the traffic this article got, it’s a problem Apple really needs to sort.

Skyfall: James Bond’s return to male-gaze misogyny

Not really my usual subject matter, but I was so blown away by the hideous nature of Skyfall that I had to say something. Most of the comments that subsequently arrived were really good, although I’ve more recently had a bunch of vile rants in from the YOU SAID SOMETHING BAD ABOUT BOND AND NOW I HATE YOU AND WOMEN brigade. Take a step back, chaps, and perhaps wonder why this piece needed writing before adding to the sludge with your own sexist rants.

 

And on that not very festive note, that’s it for 2012 and Revert to Saved. I’ll be back in 2013, assuming I don’t overdose on mince pies.

Peter Bright writes for Ars Technica: In bringing Office to iOS, Microsoft is playing a dangerous game. He mostly makes the argument against Microsoft releasing Office for mobile platforms other than Windows RT, for reasons that sort of make sense, but that are just as risky for Microsoft in its current position. That position, of course, is that it’s merrily spent the past few years teaching people they don’t really need Microsoft Office.

There are exceptions. Some people rely on very specific functionality within the likes of Excel and Word, and they simply cannot transition to other software. But many others are happy using Google’s online suite and free Office alternatives; and on iOS, Apple worked up touch-optimised apps for word processing, presentations and spreadsheets, while Microsoft did precisely nothing (publicly, at least) for the rapidly growing platform that was eating into PC market-share. Even in the more traditional space of the desktop, Office remains notably absent from the Mac App Store.

On Office for iOS, Bright thinks Microsoft

stands a good chance of cementing the role of the iPad as a business tool, eroding the advantages of Windows Phone 8 and undermining the entire value proposition of Windows RT.

This is true to some extent, but there’s also a good chance that horse has bolted anyway. It’s hugely optimistic to hope all those businesses that already have iPads deployed will ditch them because of Office on Windows RT. Those that haven’t yet might stick with Microsoft, but they’re also—unless they’re absolutely wedded to Office—just as likely to go with the iPad, which is the tried-and-tested technology in this space, with a massive underlying ecosystem of apps and supporting technology.

It will also hole Microsoft’s argument that the iPad is “just” for content consumption below the waterline. The upside of Office on iOS? That’s harder to fathom.

I don’t think it is. Office for iOS, if it was good and affordable, becomes a no-brainer purchase for occasional users, and also a means to keep people in Microsoft’s camp who’d otherwise leave it entirely. It keeps Microsoft’s cross-platform game in play (remember Office in itself is a huge revenue generator) rather than having the company retreat only to its own platform. By staying away from iOS—and also Android—Microsoft risks continuing to teach people they don’t need its software and, by extension, Microsoft as a whole.

Bright also argues that in creating an app for iOS or Android, it will have to make the assumption of touch first (no guaranteed physical keyboard), which it hasn’t done on Windows RT, where it

offers (almost) full fidelity reproduction and editing of Office documents

achieved by Microsoft being

forced to make enormous compromises: the Office apps in Windows RT offer only minimal concessions to touch-based usability.

I don’t think Microsoft was really forced in this direction. It’s a lack of ambition and I suspect what the company itself considered a minimisation of risk. Given enough time, money, vision and talent, Microsoft could have created a fully touch-based Office for a new generation of devices. Clearly, the company lacked one or more of those things.

Google Maps is out for iPhone and iPod touch. This has, apparently, surprised a bunch of people, including those in the tech press. I’m not sure why. Yes, ‘sources’ had said Google Maps might struggle for approval, but then ‘sources’ say a whole bunch of crap. In fact, ‘sources’ often don’t exist, and are instead ‘journo making shit up and pretending otherwise’.

Of course, Eric Schmidt also fanned the flames a little in an interview, stating of Apple:

They haven’t approved all of our apps in the past.

But that lacked any context whatsoever, not mentioning why some Google apps didn’t make the cut. (Some were due to Google not adhering to Apple rules, and some were due to Apple rules being stupid, some of which have since been relaxed.) Instead, it would have made more sense for people to have looked at Tim Cook’s apology on Apple Maps, where he said:

While we’re improving Maps, you can try alternatives by downloading map apps from the App Store like Bing, MapQuest and Waze, or use Google or Nokia maps by going to their websites and creating an icon on your home screen to their web app.

That didn’t sound like a company about to reject a Google Maps app, and YouTube’s arrival on the App Store should have further removed people’s doubts, in terms of Apple not spiking apps built by its biggest rival. But then ‘Google Maps will show up on iOS when it’s ready’ isn’t as link-baity as ‘EVIL APPLE MIGHT NOT APPROVE GOOGLE MAPS BECAUSE TIM COOK HATES YOUR FACE AND WANTS YOU TO DIE IN THE DESERT’.

As for the app itself, I’ve been playing around with it today, and it’s quite nice. It’s fast and efficient, has far superior UK road colouring to Apple’s solution, and it actually knows where the most important Luton is. That said, some of the UI decisions are baffling, with Street View being weirdly ‘hidden’. (You must tap-hold a location to load it, then pull that up from the bottom of the screen. It’s a lot like discoverability in many touch apps for Windows 8—i.e. almost entirely missing.)