Back in the dim and distant past, there was a publication called Practical Web Design. (Some might argue that there still is, but PWD is now a rebadged .net, for reasons far too long, boring and complicated to go into.) I regularly contributed to the magazine, which was, as its moniker suggests, heavily practical and all about web design. To finish each issue on a lighter note, I penned a humorous , ‘ranty’ and inconsistently capitalised column called ‘Web design matters’.

Despite these columns now being about three years old, many of them remain scarily relevant, and so because most people out there will have never seen them, and because my brain’s melted in the heat, thereby stopping me from writing something new today (bar this introduction, obv.), here’s a first dip into the archives, from issue 22 of Practical Web Design, which was unleashed on the world in October 2005. Judging by how many websites now inundate users with stupid noises, it appears that this particular column was digested and thoroughly ignored by many hundreds of awkward and contrary web designers the world over.

(Note: if any publisher wants to resurrect ‘Web design matters’ for their publication, drop me a line.)

As the old saying goes, ‘noise annoys’, but, as Craig Grannell discovers, that’s just how advertisers on the internet want it

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Or: The Penultimate Penultimate Ninja

Games these days often fall foul of the ‘gloss’ criticism—they’re very pretty, but peel away this superficial layer and they play about as well as a CD that’s been attacked by a knife-wielding maniac. But this isn’t new—in fact, even the odd 8-bit title suffered from this problem, and The Last Ninja is a case in point.

I remember the first time I played the isometric ninja ‘epic’, spurred on by reviewers falling over themselves to fawn over System 3 and heap awards and praise on the game itself. First impressions were good: the music was lovely, and the graphics were quite nice. However, as soon as I started playing, that creeping feeling set in, and I soon realised there was a slight problem: the game was rubbish. The environment was limited and the fights were borderline canned and extremely dull. Too many sections in the game demanded pixel-perfect jumps of the type Jet Set Willy had been slammed for a couple of years previously.

Two decades later and The Last Ninja has landed on Virtual Console with a splat, offering newcomers the chance to guide Armakuni (that’s the ninja) through a half-dozen or so tedious isometric levels, on his way to defeat the evil shogun, a process made even more hateful by the fact that the game’s even more fiddly to control on the Wii. The graphics aren’t that pretty these days either, but at least the music’s still good.

So: two stars for the excellent soundtrack, and minus fifty billion for the crappy controls and rubbish gameplay. Unfortunately, Revert to Saved’s rating system only goes down to 1/5, so that’ll have to do.

The Last Ninja is available now on Virtual Console for 500 Wii points (£3.50ish). Alternatively, hurl three pound coins and a 50-pence piece at a violent drunk and have him beat you up—you’ll have a much more satisfying experience.

.net 176 on design screw-ups

It’s not often these days that I get catharsis when writing articles, but for .net 176 I got to vent, albeit through the words of others. Having worked on an overview of grid design for the previous issue (interesting and essential, but also very regimented subject matter), 176’s feature is about the top-ten design mistakes, including such gems as making Flash websites that look like HTML web pages, and version capping (telling people to ‘upgrade’ to a lower version of a plug-in or browser, because you stupidly set the then-current version as the sole requirement).

However, great fun as all this was, my own comment was mercilessly cut by the brutal editor (nothing to do with the fact that there simply wasn’t room, obviously), and it read: “When linking to PDFs, make that very clear, to avoid users’ browsers freezing up while Adobe Reader invades, leading to wailing, gnashing of teeth, and the subsequent ejection of laptops out of nearby windows.”

It amazes me that many web designers still do this sort of thing, even linking directly to a PDF from a site’s primary navigation. This, for me, is a design crime for which the culprit should be tarred, feathered, tarred again, and then dropped down a really deep well. Head first. Aaaand… relax.

You can grab the latest .net from netmag.co.uk, and if you’re outside of the UK, it’s called Practical Web Design for reasons that I still don’t entirely understand.

The United Nations of sports simulations

Sometimes, you shouldn’t go back. Just as it’s painfully clear to older eyes that 1980s TV shows such as Knight Rider and Transformers were, in fact, rubbish, it’s a jolt when a much-revered old-time game stinks like a sewer in the cold, harsh light of the modern day. Sadly, that’s (almost) the case with World Games, an Epyx ‘classic’ originally released in 1986 for the Commodore 64 that’s recently stumbled on to Virtual Console.

Clearly running out of traditional sporting events after a slew of Olympic-inspired efforts, Epyx began culling sports from the bizarre end of the spectrum for World Games. Instead of running, jumping and swimming, there’s sumo wrestling, caber tossing and barrel jumping. Although variety is the spice of life, half of the eight events taste like soot, due to poor implementation (the barely playable slalom skiing), sluggish controls (log rolling, sumo wrestling), or just by virtue of being dull and unoriginal, even at the time (weightlifting).

It’s not all bad news—the game is peppered with cute animations and the barrel jumping, cliff diving and bull riding events offer some basic fun (and, fact fans, the bull-riding event is actually very easy if you can, say, hold a joystick and read instructions), although as standalone events for the single player, they’re still limited and throwaway. And so unless you have a copious number of friends and cans of beer to hand, World Games is unlikely to hold your interest for long.

World Games is available now on Virtual Console for 500 Wii points (£3.50ish), or for a fraction of that via eBay, if you fancy a copy of the original.

To the max! Or something

Space Invaders is rubbish. The word ‘extreme’, when placed after an existing word or short phrase, makes the subject seem worse by a factor of fifty-six billion. Therefore, the fact that Space Invaders Extreme is not only very much not rubbish, but is instead staggeringly good, is flabbergasting.

At its core, Space Invaders Extreme is the same game that wowed people in the late 1970s, but became old-hat upon the arrival of myriad superior shooters. Invaders invade (from space, natch), and you shoot them. Only this time, invader patterns change with each wave, bonus levels provide adrenaline-fuelled bouts of additional blasting and extra weapons furnish you with the means to rapidly annihilate scores of aggressors.

In addition, Space Invaders Extreme offers a pumping soundtrack, dizzying visuals and a score mechanic that combine to put you half in mind of Rez and half in mind of a fruit machine. It’s simply brilliant, and the entire package engrosses to the extent that you soon forget you’ve given hours of your life to the game—at least, up until when your hands cramp up in screaming agony.

Space Invaders Extreme is available now on import (Play -Asia.com), and will be released on June 17 in the USA and July 1 in Europe.