Charlie Brooker’s latest column talks about the stunningly awful Microsoft Windows 7 party video (note: watch the clock in the background, to see Microsoft TIME TRAVEL; also, watch Cabel Sasser’s brilliant take on the ad). He comes to the conclusion that he’d rather regularly punch a table, due to laptop frustration, than give in to self-satisfied smug gits that constantly try and convert him to Machood.

Fair enough, but I wonder why it’s Mac users that come up against this issue so much. Switch out a Mac for a great but expensive product in some other product line and you don’t get the same level of vitriol, even when the crusaders are just as mental.

Before I start this post, I should say that I like Touch Arcade a whole lot. It’s one of the few iPod gaming sites worth a damn, and I read it every day. But the most recent review made me annoyed, and here’s why:

“If you like killing zombies and having the screen of your iPhone filled with zombie blood, chances are you will enjoy iZombieland.”

Sorry, but what? I’m getting increasingly irked by reviewers not providing a full opinion and just relying on your existing knowledge and experience to encourage you to make a decision regarding the quality of a product they’re reviewing. (In this case, I was hoping the reviewer was being wry and ironic, but that sadly doesn’t appear to be the case.)

By all means tell me if something’s good or bad, and tell me why. Be constructive and helpful, and draw on your wealth of experience in your field to inform me about buying decisions. But don’t tell me: “If you like BANANAS and you like FIRE, and you like watching BANANAS ON FIRE, chances are you’ll like the new movie Bananas On Fire: Barbecue Disasters!

“But when the six-foot banana lunged at me, I was horrified. It was self defence!”

“Madam, you could have just hit him with the flamethrower. You didn’t have to flambé the giant fruit. And what the hell are you doing with a flamethrower in your kitchen anyway?”

“Our microwave is broken.”

“Oh.”

You might be aware that Lily Allen is now using her opinions on IP infringement to get herself press and further her career single-handedly saving the music industry by telling everyone that file-sharing is bad and evil (BBC News: Lily wades into file-sharing row).

However, here are some tips for you in the future, Lily, when you start arguing the toss about rights infringement and what other artists have to say about the subject:

1. Don’t misrepresent the opinions of your peers. When you referred to The Featured Artists Coalition (FAC) and claimed “These guys from huge bands said file-sharing music is fine,” you might want to ensure that’s actually what they said. If, for example, they said pretty much the complete opposite, you might end up looking a wee bit silly.
2. Don’t rip off other people’s content. When you’re on a crusade about IP infringment, it’s probably not a good idea to infringe someone else’s IP, by, for example, copying and pasting their blog posts. Do this and you might end up looking a wee bit silly.
3. Don’t infringe other people’s rights. When you’re informing people about the evils of rights infringement, it’s probably not a great idea to rip off other people’s IP by scanning in newspaper articles and posting them on your blog. Do so and you might end up looking a wee bit silly—doubly so when your Photobucket bandwidth is exceeded and said articles can’t actually be read. (Although I guess this at least deals with the IP issue, since the stuff you ripped can’t be seen when your account’s down. MAJOR WIN FOR COPYRIGHT!)

For the record, as someone who’s been smacked hard financially by file-sharing (albeit with books rather than music), I do have some sympathy regarding dealing with file-sharing in some manner. However, government proposals to boot people off the net won’t do it, nor will celebs on their high-horses.

Content providers need to figure out some way of monetising file-sharing, and, most importantly, to simply encourage more people to buy content instead of copying it. People should be rewarded for doing so, rather than—in many cases—being seen as potential criminals (such as with rights ads on DVDs that can’t be skipped) or gouged for every penny they have (as with £1.89 single-TV-episode downloads on iTunes).

Hat tip for some of this post: the ever-fragrant Gary Marshall on TechRadar.

With news emerging that Windows 7 Starter Edition only runs three applications simultaneously (and pundits amusingly trying to justify this as an OK thing), we can exclusively reveal that in the depths of Redmond is yet another flavour of Windows 7 about to be unleashed on an unsuspecting public.

Codenamed ‘Shackle’, this low-end version of Windows 7 is designed to drive you as crazy as possible, by only offering out of the box support for Windows and Word. If you try to run anything else, the error pictured above appears. Try a second time and your PC will bark “I’ll show you!” (using the voice of Steve Ballmer), before loudly exploding.

When asked for comment, a Microsoft spokesperson said: “Look, everyone you speak to says they ‘only really use Word anyway’ on their PC, so what’s the damn problem?” When we suggested Microsoft’s multiple Windows flavours and absurd restrictions would likely make more people jump to the competition or increasingly use web apps from Google, Microsoft’s spokesperson whipped out a Zune, turned it up loud, played a sample of Steve Ballmer barking “I’ll show you!”, and set fire to our shoes.

The standard online retailer guide to updating an online store:

1. Upload products quietly, in the background, without fuss. Maybe if the product is particularly exciting, add it to the front page.

The Apple method of updating its online store:

1. Accidentally leak a minor product shot by accidentally uploading it a few weeks before release. Accidentally. Really.
2. Wait for hundreds of Apple rumour websites to get terribly excited about a tiny incremental update to a nothing product.
3. Watch as frenzied Apple fans argue about what other updates are on the way, such as a $5 solar-powered iPhone that also makes perfect toast and tea via WiFi.
4. Abruptly take down your entire international online store, making it impossible for anyone to buy anything. Add an obnoxious post-it note for good measure.
5. Wait as Apple fans drive themselves into an apoplectic frenzy, trying to figure out what exciting new things are going to be added imminently.
6. Watch as Apple news sites report that you took your store down, which means exciting things.
7. Sit back and laugh heartily, safe in the knowledge that even though the updates are tiny, you’ve just got more marketing than most companies get for a new product launch.
8. Put the site back online, with as many ‘new’ badges as possible.
9. Wait for the internet to recover from millions of Apple users refreshing the Apple store fifteen times per second.
10. Wait for orders to flood in from Apple users starved of the store for a full 90 minutes.
11. Lather, rinse, repeat.